After a very heavy night of drinking at a party for some dumb skating club that none of my friends and I were apart of or had any interest in joining, my hammered self decided it would be a swell idea to invite everyone at the party over for the “afterparty” at 4 in the morning which consisted of absolutely nothing. Seemed like a great idea at the time though. Needless to say, people weren’t really over at our place that long, except for a drunk & horny chick who apparently had it in her mind that she could treat my humble home as the Golden Corral of C***. Her name was Megin (and yes she spells it like a fucking moron and made a big deal about you knowing that her special name was unique because her stupid fucking mom couldn’t spell Megan, or Meghan, or even Maegan.) and she was what I like to refer to as a “closet whore.” On the surface, a girl like Megin, seemed like the type to pull out some “oral secks iz sew demeening y’all!” card, but as I found out, she was starving for anyone to fill that fat, fucking hole on her face.
I proceeded to head to bed while a few of my compadres crashed on our couches. Little did I know, that lights out meant “GO” to Megin. From the other room I heard someone start spitting which meant one of two things, someone is spitting on my floor or someone is about to give some sort of practiced porn star blowjob on someone in that room. I decided to investigate.
Never before have I walked in on someone slobbering relentlessly at someone’s c*** and had them notice me and then continue their actions. While 2 other people were, I assume, just too drunk to give a fuck in their sleeping spots, Megin was going to town on one of my good friends man parts. I decided to just go back to my room. Not even 5 minutes later, as you can probably guess, Whore-gin was sitting on my legs asking me if it was ok if she sucked me off. Was this girl serious? How wasted could she be? Am I going to get charged with rape in the morning? What should I do?…
As you can probably guess, I took that slut up on the offer and she went through the motions of getting her fix. Now after I’ve released my babies down a girls throat, I pass out. By the time I woke up the next day she was already gone, but girls tend to want to exchange numbers which apparently she did on her own. My phone already had a wonderful text from Megin which read, appropriately, “I’m very playful!.”
Watch this drunk group of girls at their prime. Two of the girls are so wasted that they could care less about their best friend getting thrown out of the bar!
Last summer I went to work at a sleep-away camp and was a counselor for 10 yr olds. Besides for taking care of the parenting needs of these 10 yr olds, myself along with the rest of the staff always partied (among other things…). Every night was very common, but the worst night I remember involved a fellow employee that was very, very drunk, way past the normal stumbling, yada yada yada.
Now we all know that an intoxicated person has a poor sense of balance, but this guy had it in his head to give a fellow female employee a ride on one of the camps bikes. No, not a Harley, a bicycle! What a bad idea.
If you could only imagine what it was like, it was hilarious. This drunk idiot giving a grown girl a bicycle ride. He probably got like three feet before both him and the girl wiped out. She was fine, but he got up and was in extreme pain. We all look at him and see that there is a bone sticking out of his hand. He must have tried to catch himself in the fall with his hands and it ended very badly.
It wasn’t really bleeding. I just remember seeing it and it was sobering to me and I wasn’t even that drunk. So, I remember people trying to take care of him without actually calling the medical staff, because then they would all get caught underage drinking and who knows what else illegal. That was pathetic. So for doctoring him up, they basically pushed it back in and bandaged his hand. The funny part to me was him laying there on the bed out of it as anyone I’d ever seen, shaking his head back and forth, saying to me, the famous words of most drunks, “I’m never going to drink again. I’m never going to drink again. Maybe just beer but never Vodka or Gin again.”
Needless to say, he was back at it two nights later.
As we do every year each summer, my buddies and I went down to the Jersey Shore for a long weekend. We brought along four thirty packs of beer and had a rented house loaded with alcohol for the six of us.
We were starting the night early and wanted to cook some meet on the porch as we began to drink. After 15 minutes of multiple attempts I realized there was no propane on the grill. Fmylife! My friend said he knew where to get some propane and began to head down the shore. No one had any idea where he was getting propane from but all we knew was that we wanted to get fucked up! Let the boozing begin!
All of a sudden I wake up face down on the porch as the sun is rising. All of my buddies are passed out along with some “classy” jersey shore kind of girls. But where did my boy go who was looking for some propane.
I begin the search and found him about 150 feet down the road passed out with no shoes on. He had no idea what had happened to him but he no longer had shoes, a wallet, or a cell phone. He has sworn to never come down to the shore with us again!
Snomageddon, Snowpocalypse, SnOMG…whatever you want to call it, today was a good-old-fashioned Snow Day. And nothing says Snow Day like a hot, delicious cocktail to warm your spirits and get you inebriated.
After much tipsy experimentation and careful consideration, I’d like to introduce you to…the Drunken Snowman.
Directions: - MUDDLE together fresh orange slices, honey, and cinnamon.
- BREW a cup of your favorite coffee and MAKE a cup of hot chocolate. POUR half the coffee and half the hot chocolate into a glass over some of the muddled Orange mixture
- ADD a shot of Whiskey
- ADD a shot of Cointreau
- SPRINKLE some Cinnamon
- TOP with a generous amount of Whipped Cream (did you know there’s a Non-Fat Reddi-Whip…awww, yeah – be generous…)
- MELT half a bar of Dark Chocolate in the microwave and DRIZZLE on top of the Whipped Cream
- ADD a few Cherries
- Sit back, watch the blizzard out your window, and ENJOY!
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