An Oklahoma Highway Patrol trooper clocked Roberts driving 93 mph in a 65 mph zone just after midnight on the Creek Turnpike west of U.S. 169, according to his arrest report.

Roberts’ blood-alcohol level was measured at .11 percent, above the legal limit of .08, the report says.

The trooper noticed a strong smell of alcohol after pulling Roberts over as he headed north on U.S. 169 just south of 71st Street, according to the report.

Roberts was unable to follow simple instructions in two coordination tests, and was taken to the Jenks Police Department to determine his blood-alcohol level, the report says.

He was booked into the Tulsa Jail at 2:46 a.m. and was released on $1,100 bail at 5:47 a.m., records show.

Roberts, 63, the son of ORU founder Oral Roberts, resigned as the university’s president in 2007 after allegations that he and his family misused university and ministry resources. He was given the honorary title of president emeritus in 2008.

Walk of shame is when you get kicked out of some random girls house and have to walk home, for extra shameness this is best done with a huge hangover, all the while walking by church going people. Its a magical feeling to have and it is one i love to experience.

So lesson over, on the the story.

Prettyboy, Gheybro(check “Thats Ghey” story for a background on them) and me are going out drinking, beforehand i had the friggin amazing BBQ only dess and nymph can provide(sweeet) So having done the social part, having fun with my little niece, smacktalking my friends, getting smacktalked etc. I get picked up by PrettyBoy and GheyBro. I’m on some sort of a mission, as the GF from Prettyboy has given me specific orders to get PrettyBoy back in line. So we start off slow with a game of poker in a quiet little bar. During this we’re ofcourse stuffing beer down our troats to liven it up a little. Im trying my best to fight for the cause that the GF gave me. But they arent having it. So after raising my voice i give up with the knowlegde that when im drunk i can be more convincing.

Up until now it was a boring night as any other and really not worth talking about.

Insert Tattoo. This girl is 28, smoking hot.. covered in all sorts of tattoos.Her difining tattoo was some sort of written word/sentence across her chest. i think there wasnt a single bodypart not decorated.
This girl is so hot i was suprised she remembered my name after the first 5 minutes. She is good mates with GheyBro so she tags along.
We get to drinking and we decide to drink 1 beer per bar until we find the right one. 5 bars later, we get to the local hotspot. I’m feeling pretty damn good because i have no intention of putting in any effort in getting some female attention. I’m just happy to hang out with PrettyBoy again as hes a real cool person to go out and party with(hes the “halt politzei” guy)

Giving a few glances to hot tattoo chick, she is covered with male attention and is decent enough to not give them the finger. She is however getting bored because none of the guys who came up to talk to her could intrest her. After a drunken while i step up and we begin chatting. A hot tattoo chick with brains.. Niicceeee. appears she smokes, which a huge bonus cause i really needed a smoke. We walk outside, and normally i get over protective of a girl when im moving with her through bars. Don’t want anyone to grab her ass etc, but as the tattoo’s showed and her aged said, she could handle herself. So im mainly focusing on rushing trough the door to go out and smoke a ciggarette. 1 minute later Tattoo joins me, seems she was being held up by the bouncer who tried his very best to get her number. Now i retrospect, ignoring her and not paying any attention to her at the time was the best thing i could of done. Without me knowing im making Tattoo curious.

All the while im not fully aware what is happening. The dancemoves she does with me and only me, the steady supply of drinks, and the way we talked. I even mistook the part that she asked me to sing to a song for her, as she thought it was sexy/funny. Although it was a really weird request, im drunk and shes hot. A no brainer. But i really thought she said it for shits and giggles, So instead of singing along with the lyrics, im making my own stuff up. Trashtalking the bouncer who was by this point literally stalking her, all sorts of really lame stuff. But she ate it up! In a fit of laughter i come to the realisation that in in the zone with this girl. All the while what seemed harmless chatting and dancing now seemed as some twisted and really odd way of courting her.

So when you realise you might be getting luck tonight with an extreme hot chick, you tend to cramp up. But fortunaly i have a few liters of beer in me and the arrogance of … well me. I regroup myself and start planning this little gem in the making. So, lets see.. sofar ignoring her, making fun of her and be totally comfortable with her talking to other guys seemed to work out real nice. I was actually planning to get her for myself that night. As she is still friggin hot and her tattoos are damn sexy i realise im setting myself up for dissapointment. So I don’t even try to pretend that im ignoring her, makign fun of her etc..I’ll just be me. Loud, ugly, annoying and all over the dancefloor. During the night we still had our ciggarette break which was nice. The clock hits 3.00 and the bar is closing, people start moving, the bouncer got annoyingly close to Tattoo and im trying to persuade GheyBro that i could fuck his lights out. Don’t ask me why, but i just think thats funny.

Tattoo is a partychick who probably has seen it all, she isnt tired and she wants to go on. The brothers and me are having such a fun time we decide that we should go to this nightclub. We get in the car and im trying to beat up PrettyBoy because i feel like it and im trying to be funny(which actually never really works when im shitfaced drunk)
I pay the goddamn 10 euros to get into the nightclub to find a semi rave-party going on with all sorts of stupid fucks on drugs, We quickly get bored. But Hot tattoo chick is really getting close to me, by now were holding hands, doing the sexeh moves and our ciggarette breaks have turned into something much more i could of hoped for. I fucking wish i remembered what she said, but it resulted in me giving her a kiss, which ofcourse turned into a real kiss. So now im euforic, but still trying to play it cool(read: i was to drunk to even put up some kind of a game) the night goes on like this, Holding hands, kissing, dancing and drinking. PrettyBoy is congratulating me and GheyBro is trying to act jealous.

Then this guy shows up. Tattoo had been talking to about alot of guys sofar, so this doesnt really bother me. But she turns to me and asks if we want to go to Versus(belgium nightclub) I’m getting tired but i have to see this out till the end so i say yes. She quickly responds with “shit, i wish you woudn’t of said that. Now were actually have to go with this guy. I just told him i was asking my boyfriend(yes ladies and gentlemen, she referred to me as her boyfriend!!) and i hoped you would refuse so i could lose this guy”
I tell her i’ll lose this guy for her.
I walk up to the guy(2meters, buffed and about 4 tattoos showing) and tell him I have no intrest in going, but if he wants he can take my girlfriend with him. This suprised him but also pretty much gave him the message that im so friggin awesome i’m not bothered if my girlfriend goes on without me. In his eyes i must of seemed alot cooler then i am. So being set back by this overconfident boyfriend he quickly steps back and tell me he is sorry he stepped on my turf. I turn around give Tattoo the tumbs up and get a nice smile in return. I bluffed my way into this and im fucking going home with the prize.

We get in the car and dump the brothers, I stole her keys so im driving around with a haze to a gasstation to buy some gum, drinks and some snackfood for hot tattoo chick.

When your getting it on with a really hot looking chick who is way out of your league and you managed to outbluff some huge tattoo dude, you feel like you’re on top of the world. I pull up at a gasstation where like 15 guys are hanging outside being noisy and doing the whole tough guy act. Ofcourse i pull up right in the middle of their group and get out, my luck was she was finding her wallet somewhere in her girly bag so i even had the chance to do the macho move by walking around the car, opening her door. It really was like a movie. She steps out of the car fashion style. The group falls silent and i get a few nods of respect. Some brave souls utter the words”Hi miss, can i ask you something?” “I really like your tattoo”. She trows me a smile and we go inside.

By now im expecting that i have to drive back to my place and that im gonna need a rreeaaallly cold shower to get back to earth. Instead she gives direction to her place.

So lets recoup. Im drunk, i have litterally less game then most of my friends. I smell of BBQ and garlic. I didn’t even did any sorts of preperation clothing wise( i was wearing the same outfit to one of my nightshifts.) and no deodorant etc. But im still about to enter a apartment with some really hot chick. Oh my god. When is this going to turn out into some huge blunder like me breaking or dropping stuff, barfing, getting into some heated discussion just for the sake of it etc? Tonight my dear readers, i was in the zone. Nothing went wrong.

I’m 25 years old and don’t have to much experience in getting it on in a apartment with some random girl. So im trying my best to even look remotely attractive. She unfold her coutch so its now a sleeping bed. Great, ill be sleeping here alone while she runs to the bedroom right?
WRONG. We put on some dvd and we she grabs a blanket, but after some kisses she goes K.O on me and falls asleep, my arm is hurting and my back is in a weird position, but i don’t mind. For a newbie i made it pretty far. So laying there with hot tattoo chick passed out and feeling sore because im laying on 3 remote controls and what appears to be a shoe, I manage to wake her up and get her into the bedroom. What odd was she put on her robe and gets back to sleeping, i didn’t really mind as i was exhausted myself.
As it is 7 in the morning by now the sun comes out. She puts the timer on 15.00. As the story usually goes with a walk of shame, you don’t get to sleep in, let alone cuddle up and kiss eachother to sleep. But as i said, everything was going way to well for me.

12.00 i wake up, with ofcourse a huge hangover. She however didnt drink much last night so she starts chatting, all sorts of things pass by while all the while im doing my real best to hold in my hangover shit. But its coming, and its not going away. So i talk her into smoking a ciggarette in the living room. Soon as she starts to read a magazine, i rush of to the toilet with my ciggarette and let it rip. OMFG i’m shitting myself inside out while shes wondering why i keep flushing. GREAT, i found yet another reason why its not cool to do one night stands like this.

We talk some more, i drink about 3 liters of water. After refusing her to drop me off at my place, i can finally begin my walk of shame. Granted, i didn’t got kicked out and actually had the chance to get dropped off. But still, I was gonna bade in this moment of glory. And to top things off, the sun was shining and i got a bottle of water for the way home. Never have you seen such a hungover guy with this big a smile walk the streets.
I’m home now, and even though we exchanged phone numbers, i won’t be so arrogant to presume i can get anywhere with her. Besides, shes 28..*by request, additional personal info deleted*..so generally she has her shit alot more together then me. I’m 25, have nothing in check with myself, i game alot more then is healthy and i live at my parents.

Post script:

Alas, the story doesn’t end here. After texting back and forth a bit.. I forgot my hoodie at her place and we agreed this time we were gonna put in a real effort to see the end of the movie.. I get a call from her 3 days later. Expecting some sort of an invitation.. I get a flaming pissed girl on the phone. Its her, and she isn’t liking the bit where i wrote about her and posted it on the internet one bit. Appears some old collegue of her reads my stories, then told someone else, who in turn told someone else aswell. Who just happened to be co worker with tattoo chick. It took her exactly 1 day to find out about my story after i posted it on the website. Good going right? Not really. She demands the URL of the website and wants me to delete it straight away. I try and calm her down by telling her i will email the story straight away so she can have a look for herself. In retrospect, for me… this is the most funny experience of all. I get called on one of my stories and i watch the story unfold itself while im not drunk.
After sending her the story unedited(i didnt even take out the part about my hangover shit) i get a text message: OH MY GOD! we must of texted eachother around 10 times after that message, but at the end i knew i was pretty much fucked. I told her she could keep the hoodie and i’d leave her alone. I feel like a stupid fuck for sending her the story unedited though, mainly because it seems like i was adoring this girl, which in reality wasn’t the case. I was the laid back dude with an attitude. Not the horny little schoolboy who fell in love with the tattoos. But i wrote the story when i came back from the walk of shame so at that time i felt like a horny little brat instead of my arrogant self. SO i went from a potentional fuckbuddy to a loser who has to share his actions with the interwebs.

Goddammit that was fun, I wish i could do this shit each week.

This is when the evening turned sour.

While trying to drive into a bicycle lane, we get a police car closing us of from any escape route. As one might wonder why we are driving into a bicycle lane and why were are being stopped by German cops.I’ll take it from the top.

Btw, i just woke up and i’m sitting with a huge hangover in my boxers trying to recollect myself.
So mind the typos.

Me and PrettyBoy were trying our best to get as drunk as one could get. Life is shitty at the moment so best way to cope with that is to drown yourself in beer. With every beer, less pain we say.

So by 0.00 PrettyBoy and me are shit-faced drunk. I’m trying my best to nipple twist a good mate of mine, and biting his girlfriend. While I type this, i wonder why they still want to be my friends. Must be because im pretty.
PrettyBoy is going nuts and having a go at every girl within 10 feet. But PrettyBoy is scarred by one girl so every conversation ends within minutes with him calling all girls whores. His usual flirt girl even got the bad side and was being asked how long she was a whore. PrettyBoy was wasted and the night was still young.

So after my 2 good friends leave all violated, me and PrettyBoy go on a drunken brawl. Each bar can only mildly entertain us so we keep hopping from bar to bar. I have no idea where we went or what we did. at the moment i’m writing this I truly have no idea how we ended up in Germany. Anyway…

While trying to drive into a bicycle lane, we get a police car closing us of from any escape route. The cops don’t look happy. we get ordered to park the car and turn of the ignition. While this is happening i’m vaguely waking up and not liking this dream at all, sadly for me and PrettyBoy this isn’t a dream. So we get out the car, both stumbling in our best german to explain that we’re choir boys from Holland and we don’t even know what alcohol is. The cops don’t think this is funny at all, weird.. cause me and PrettyBoy were laughing. Must be because were fucking drunk and they aren’t. Bunch of partypoopers.

PrettyBoy gets tested, at first the cop didn’t want to bother with the test because PrettyBoy kept babbling in some weird mix of different languages. I think i saw a bit of german, dutch, english and pootietang all mixed into one really weird new language. But I guess it standard routine cause a few moments later I hear a beep and see a very concerned policeman. PrettyBoy scored a XXX. The crowd goes wild! well, not really just me actually.. As PrettyBoy is taken into the police car I ask the other cop if i could have a go, telling him i barely drank this night because god doesn’t allow me to drink nor have pootietang sex. \With a frown on his face he agrees and I get tested. BAM XXX. I AM KING, I’ve beaten PrettyBoy, euphoric about this is start to do the Fedde dance(other story) The cop isn’t pleased at all with this and steps in and they take off..

So here i am, alone and feeling the effects of a XXX promille alcohol. Somehow I find this still very funny.. alone in the middle of the night, nobody around who can help me. I start to see this as a small adventure(hey, i know its not a big deal.. but i had to do something to pass the time) So ones I located the police station I went for a stroll, leaving little breadcrumbs to find my way back. After 5 minutes of walking I get bored. I start randomly approaching people asking where I can get some food. Some were helpful, some were scared.. but none of them really gave good directions. I mean what the fuck is a rampe? so after following my last directions I bump into a crowd. I found a bar! As i wanted to keep on drinking and get more cigarettes I stormed in. but alas, I got blocked by this weird ass girl bouncer. As she was smaller then me i ignored her and walked into the bar. 2 Huge guys were blocking my view of the party. Appears they were also bouncers. I wish I knew that before I shoved them aside to walk inside. 2 seconds later i’m outside and this girl bouncer is lecturing me. As she is still smaller then me I walk away ignoring her.

So now I’m feeling sober, but even worse.. I feel lost. the stupid directions took me somewhere in Aachen. So smoking my last cigarette I go back to asking people for directions. luckily I find a guy who just got beat up, he is also going to the police station. Together we walk to the police station all the while joking about his busted up head and me being lost in Aachen.

I find PrettyBoy, turns out he had to pay 700 euros to be set free, they took his blood and lectured him for 2 hours. When asked if he cared he replied..

“No problem, all in a days work for an alcoholic”

While I typed up this story i received 3 text messages.

“Dude, stop drinking, im not gonna pick you up in Aachen”
“a XXX%? kickass, what did PrettyBoy get?”
“Dude i just woke up, what shell station do you mean in Aachen?”

—

The day after, we met and went for a walk with the dog. Trying to recollect some of the things from last night. What threw me in a fit of laugher was what he experienced inside the police station.

So first he gets pushed in the car and driven to the police station. When he enters he gets the classic good cop-bad cop routine.. After some questions they let him do a test i really didn’t know they still used. Poor PrettyBoy had to put his arms wide open and touch his nose with his index finger. He had to spin 5 times. He had to follow a pen with his eyes. He had to stare 10 seconds in the eyes of the cop. And he had to walk a straight line.
All this went terrible wrong. Instead of touching his nose he ended up poking his eye and his ear(?!) after 2 spins he was so sick he asked if he could take a break. the pencil he had to follow with his eyes was to confusing for him cause he saw 2. The staring in the eyes made him go all Al Pacino and he tried to make a blink contest out of it. He said to the cop”at least i didn’t blink right?” Walking a straight line.. well lets says he didn’t even touch the line, just crossed it a lot. Cause he failed all the tests horribly.. the cops got pissed at him, accusing him of being under influence of drugs.I guess that’s why they took his blood. Halfway during all of this he even had the guts to take the lighter of the desk and ignite his cigar. The cops must of loved him.

Alcohol and driving.. tssk