Last night I drank 6 beers in my room with some friends. Then I drew some triangles on my face and decided it was time to ride my bike (through the rain, at 11:30, by myself, while thoroughly drunk) to the next town to another party I was invited to. I took my phone, ID, keys, and, of course, silly string. Then I got lost. Keep in mind it’s down pouring.

So I make a phone call for some directions and fall off of my bike in the middle of the road. Almost get hit by a car but hop back on like its no big deal and by some miracle of God I finally ended up where I wanted to be with everything intact. I probably drank some more and talked to people (who can remember these things?) Then I smoked some weed. Then I rode my bike back to school while incredibly ridiculously drunk and high.

Somehow got to my room decided to take a shower. I told my roommate that I might die and if I do, she can have my bunkbed. Then i went on the internet and typed “crazy videos” into google. I watered the dead plant that hasn’t been watered in 4 months. I put some money on my laundry card and set my alarm for 8:30. I also remembered to wear my reading glasses. and then I fell asleep.

When I woke up (to my 8:30 alarm) I was still drunk and high so I decided to do laundry. The cleaning lady was down there and I asked her if she wanted help with anything. She looked confused. I still might be drunk…

My fiance and i went over to his friend from work’s house for a cheap wine/bad movie night.I was excited but a little nervous because i was meeting him and his wife for the first time and since i was still tired from staying up til 4am for my friend’s 21st.After the 4 of us went out to dinner, we cracked open the box wine, listened to some music and then put in THE LAST DRAGON.After checkin out the recording room,playing some wii, smoking a few cigarrettes and attempting a magazine crossword puzzle drunk, we were shown the guest room and went to bed for the night.i was drunk but not sick or too drunk)

The next morning, i felt a little silly becuse i had realized i had probably talked too much the night before but i didn’t feel that i had made an ass of myself or anything. After getting in&out, grabbing our stuff and saying good bye, My fiance slowly began filling me on on some details that i had missed that evening..

Even though i remembered what i thought had been the entire evening,There was 2 crucial hours missing from my memory that had happened mid evening. Not only had i been talking to his coworker’s super sweet and slightly shy wife the entire night, i guess i kept invading her personal space as well. My fiance told me that i kept getting REALLLY close to her face and at one point in the night while admiring how she did her make up i told her to close her eyes and proceeded to trace her make up lines with my index finger. Since she’s so sweet she just put up with it. To make matters worse, my fiance kept trying to tell me “hey babe….you’re touching her face..” And i would stop, turn around a second and say Oh i am? oh i’m sorry! then instantly forget what i was told and proceed with what i was doing. I also kept asking her to have a drink with me(i had picked up my wine glass again evidently) and she kept telling me no. no thankyou, i’m fine. so i’d say oh ok. and then ask her again like 5min later.

When we went out into their back yard i remember leaning over their pool and asking if it was heated. What i didn’t remember was plungling my arm into the water like a bear to test the temperature. After abandoning the pool i was distracted by this bizzare fruit tree that was hanging over the back fence and then muttering something about soil nutrients i picked two of the bizare fruit and shoved them in my purse and then asked for a cigarette from the shy wife. After being told that not only does she not smoke she doesn’t like the smell, i was given a cigarrette by my man and as she stepped back i kept stepping forward, unaware of what i was just told.it was a slow,sltealthy chase around the back patio i was told.

Eventually after digging through my ipod and putting on music that you can oly enjoy drunk, i picked up the magazine on the table and then my memory returned.(that’s when i attempted the crossword puzzle.in pen.) Keep in mind that this was my first encounter with these two people!

I have been embarrassed the whole day since that car ride home! Especially since i am one of those people that don’t get drunk that often and on the occasion that i do, i RARLEY get carried away. Only 2wice before; once for my friends 18th birthday where i spent the morning puking to david bowie with only half of my pants, and then once at my going away party where i woke up the next morning to find a giant avocado in my sweatshirt pocket

I guess that they were laughing and after reading some of the stories it could’ve been worse, but unfortunatley i feel that that is the first last and only time we are getting invited over there again. What sucks is up until those two crucial hours, we were all getting along great. I guess sleep deprivation and box wine is the equvalent of acid. WORST FIRST IMPRESSION EVER!TERRIBLE!

Last summer I was at the beach with my family and a friend. We decided to bring some vodka down with us in our suitcase incase things got boring while we were with my family. One afternoon we were in the condo and I decided to get the vodka out and start to do some shots and get us ready for the night. As the night went on I was already drunk from earlyer and I was ready to go. My friend suggested we take the vodka up to the pool and just drink the rest of it and have a little fun. As we get up to the pool im almost finished with the bottle and she barley had one sip the entire day. It didnt take me very long for the alcohol to hit me when i realized that we should go back downstairs. As we get back downstairs I trip inside and lay down on my bed and pass out for a few hours. I woke up about three hours later and I walked out to the balcony and I looked over the side and threw up all over someones nice car. Oppps? Needless to say that persons car wasnt there the next morning.

So my sophomore year in highschool, it was my bestfriend Zaine’s last night in Arizona before he moved to Oklahoma, so we were obligated to make it an unforgettable night.

All we had a bottle of off-brand vodka, which was completely terrible. As we are driving around to pick up the rest of our friends, my friend Kayla and I decided to celebrate a little earlier than everyone else, in the car. We weren’t driving, and we were in the backseat, so we started taking shots. After 3 shots, I’m already feeling a strong buzz, keep in mind I’m a really skinny kid. I couldn’t take the taste anymore, and frankly neither could anyone else, so we started drinking screw-drivers.

For some reason, we chose to stop at a Taco-Bell, a Burger King, and a McDonalds because everyone wanted something to eat. Somehow realizing three fast food joints weren’t good enough, we stopped at a Del Taco. At this point, we had about 12 people with us, only about half of us are drunk. However, I am significantly more intoxicated. At this point I can’t stand up without falling, and the only words I can speak are sexual advances to my friend Brooklyn.

The last thing I can actually remember is trying to stand-up, but falling and watching yellow puke roll across the tile in front of me.

My friends then told me they had to clean up the puke, and after 20 minutes of puking in the Del-Taco bathroom, they had to take me home because I wouldn’t stop throwing-up.

I wake up naked, with worried and then angry texts from my girlfriend, puke on every corner of my room, and a note from my friend Zaine saying “Please don’t die, and thanks for letting us clean up your chicken-noodle puke.”

Before I tell the tale of this epic fail there are a few things you should know, nothing is exaggerated, all the facts are real and the only thing that is a lie is the name, only because I don’t want my phone being blown up. Sorry!!

Rewind to the summer my best friend Harrison and his girlfriend Jess told me that they have a mutual friend that would be interested in this Jew. So like any young, naive, horny male I said of course. They decided it would be good if we double date and go to the beach.

So, the three of us make our way to the beach and get there at around 12. My beautiful blind date doesn’t show up till 12:30 and when she came she sure knew how to make an entrance. Some might say she was a lush or toasted but god damn it, she was wasted. It’s not even 1:00 pm and she is already slurring her words. Personally, I thought it was a positive sign and it might be easy for me to seem charming.

Now you’re wondering how this can possibly be a bad blind date. Ohh boy you’re in for a treat. An hour passes and she says I have to go to the bathroom. So the gentlemen that I am, I said “I’ll walk you to the bathroom” and she slurred “Nah its cool.” So like any normal person I thought she would go to the ocean and let it out. Now remember this is the worst blind date so there shouldn’t be any assumptions that something would be done normally. So this classy lady, put the towel she was laying on over herself and urinated right then and there. Like a fucking cat in a litter box she pissed on the sand in front of me and the warm urine was all over her.

Pick up your jaws; let that last statement sink in like the way the urine sank in to the juicy couture terry cloth shorts. Now if you’re good with numbers, here is a little stat for you. So I asked Jess has she ever done this before and she responded calmly as if she once was shocked by this behavior but has grown highly accustom by it, “I went to the beach with her like a thousand times the last 2 summers and 3 times this summer and she has done it 70 percent of the time.” So that means she has peed in the sand 703 times.

Now after that disgusting display I was completely turned off. She didn’t think it was a big deal but I hope I’m not the only one who thought it was. The worst part about it was after she went on herself she wanted to cuddle, so as she rolled over to me and I pushed her off my towel and said “I’m not a cuddlier.”

- TheCampusSocialite.com

Note: My only story-worthy memory in between our encounter with HomelessMan and later in the night is exposing myself to some cheerleader from Indiana.

Kevin “Show me your boobs. I am hung like a moose.”
CheerWhore “Show me your dick.”

I whip out my penis and start shaking it at her.

She shows me her breasticles.

Kevin “Now you want to fuck me.”
CheerWhore “It’s not that big.”
Kevin “It’s a grower, not a show-er, BITCH!”

Swing and a miss.

Skipping ahead a couple of hours, this is where the real fun begins. We arrive at our first bar of the night, Latitudes. Things are going good; I’m content with talking to random sluts and fucking with the plethora of losers milling around the place for the moment. I decide that I’m a tad drunker than I realized after I got out onto the back deck of the place.

I smoothly attempt to kick back on a bench that was located by the back rail, the main problem here being that this particular bench was non-existent. As I fall flat on my ass amidst a massive crowd of people, I see the bouncer immediately begin heading in my direction. Next thing I know, he has me by the collar and is taking me towards the door. Dan appears, seemingly out of nowhere, to propose my vindication to this burly son of a bitch. In all our nights of drunken debauchery I have NEVER saw Dan do what he did next—compose himself.

Dan “Hang on man, it’s cool. He’s with me. I’ll keep an eye on him from now on.”
Bouncer “Alright man. But I swear one more outburst or anything from this guy and he’s gone.”
Dan “I got you man, you don’t have to worry about a thing.”

All I could do was stare in amazement. DAN had just convinced a bouncer not to kick me out of a bar while equally, if not more, drunk than myself. Dan held true to his promise, momentarily at least. The next thing I knew, Dan was already gone and I was being asked to leave by the same cumbersome individual who had previously attempted to eject me.

In my drunken stupor, I staggered toward the Days Inn. As I crossed the Hooter’s parking lot I saw one of my buddies, Wender, sitting at a table by the window with some girls. I immediately write the Days Inn off and stumble inside. I have virtually no memory after I entered Hooter’s other than the locked door when I was leaving, but Wender recounted to me what went down. He told it to me something like this:

“You walked up to the table and started yelling. Then, the waitress asked you to sit down, so you called her a whore and let out a yell consisting of a string of unintelligible curse words. Kind of like a five year old that didn’t get their way, but drunk and cursing. She then told me to get you out of there before they had to, so you proceeded to try and exit through a locked door. Upon discovering the door was locked, you started screaming again and attacking it until I grabbed you by the shirt, dragged you out of there, and took you back to the bar; where shortly afterward I lost you again.”

After the alcohol in my system had diffused enough for me to make coherent thoughts, I reunite with Dan and we set out in search of more places to fuel our drunken adventure. I can’t remember at all what the name of the second bar we went to was, but I know we were only in there long enough to scream and belittle people for roughly five minutes before we were removed from there as well.

Then came the Red Door Saloon. We walk in, and I immediately snatch someone’s mixed drink off of the counter and chug it. We then have this conversation with the bartender.

Dan “WHORE! SHOTS!”
Bartender “I need to see you guys’ IDs.”
Kevin “I lost my fucking wallet.”
Dan “SHOTS!”
Bartender “OK…Wait, you have X’s on your hands.
Kevin “Because I lost my fucking wallet you idiot! I lost EVERYTHING! MY ID, DEBIT CARD, EVERYTHING! SHOTS! PLEASE!”
Bartender “I’m sorry, I can’t.”
Dan “WHORE! Give me two shots, and I will give him one.”
Bartender “I would guys, but I can’t do that.”
Dan “OK! FUCK! Give me two shots, and I will take them BOTH!”
Kevin “Yeah do that, quit being an uppity bitch.”
Bartender “Hang on just a second, OK?”

We assume this is good news, myself and Dan celebrate with a much called for fist bump

Bartender returns:

“Yeah, you guys better get the fuck out of here. Like, now.”

We strike out in search of somewhere that provides alcohol that can handle our boisterous hilarity. Along the way, we try to yank open the locked doors of a bar because we see people inside. We both snatch the doors and yell a couple times before moving on.

We found out the next day that this “bar” was some type of Christian missionary place.

Oops.

After winding up in several shady places, none of which proved to be successful, we find ourselves at an all-night Pizza Hut/Taco Bell amongst a formidable crowd of fellow Spring-Breakers. While Dan is screaming at everyone I tap a fat girl with what could only be described as “pubic-hair” hair on the shoulder.

Kevin “Excuse me. You are fat.”
PubeHead “Fuck you!” Turns back around.
Kevin “I’m kidding, where are you from?”
PubeHead “Michigan.”
Kevin “Correction, you are a fat guido. Nobody loves you. Your parents don’t even love you. I doubt Jesus even loves you.”

She gives me a look of pure disgust before telling me to fuck myself and turning back around. I notice a decent crowd of people who are cracking up after observing this scenario; so I make the most deranged face I can before making a “gun” with my index, middle finger and thumb and pretending to blast PubeHead in the back of the cranium.

By this point, Dan has worked his way to the front of the line and is screaming:

“WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PIZZA! WHERE THE FUCK IS IT YOU WHORE!”

I’m not even sure he had ordered. The woman behind the counter kindly tells us to get the fuck out before she calls the police. We happily oblige.

Yep, I’m going to hell.

They always say take the road less travelled by. I often think about what this means and if I am on that path or not. Well apparently my ability to find the craziest bitches ever has not gone away. As much as I crave finding a nice girl, whack bitches find me, hunt me down and latch the fuck on. Last night was definitely no exception.

My night started out on a good note. I got off work after only 3 hours and wanted to have a few beers. Well a few turned into about 15-16 before I went out. Thats right, I fucking pregamed with 16 beers. Knowing I couldnt drive I had this bitch pick me up. I knew she was a cheap ass so basically everything I buy will be double. After getting picked up we headed out to TGI Fridays for a beer pong tourney.

Now me being in a fucked up state of mind argued about everything stupid. Apparently the beer pong tourney wasnt starting on time so of course I bitched like a motherfucker about it. So here I am drinking at a restaurant yelling at the bartenders and managers because they wouldnt start some stupid tourney.

We left there and headed out to a bar. At first it seemed like a great idea. Having no concept on time I am pretty much guessing its about 10pm right now. I am now 10 hours into drinking at this point. Shots started to pour and it all somehow got put on my credit card. At first I didnt care but realizing I havent gotten paid yet I knew this was going to be a typical overdraft on my part.

Here’s where the story gets fun. We were leaving and I tried to pay my credit card… it was on $41 but it wouldnt go through. That was my only form of payment and the bar was motherfucking me and what not. I said whatever fucking arrest me then. Here I am yelling at these cops calling them assholes while I am in handcuffs at the bar. They kept saying its going to cost you $100 to get out of jail and my smartass said, Ya know what asshole, if I cant pay $41, how the fuck am I going to pay $100. Hes like your going in buddy, im like ok tough guy. The cops obviously wanted nothing to do with the paperwork so they ended up just letting me go.

No this isnt where this story ends.

Now since I am completely blasted I let this girl drive me home. After we dropped off her friend she sat in the parking lot and said we were going to her house and im like fuck that take me home, I gotta work in the morning. She started yelling and bitching saying some stupid shit and here I sat saying, “You fat fuck, take me the fuck home or get the fuck out of my car” She got out of the car with my keys….. what the fuck am I supposed to do now.

Well I locked her out and she started wailing on my car windows. Im fucking wasted trapped in my own car with the wackiest bitch ever outside of it. Who would you call, obviously since now its 330am I dialed my moms number. “Hey mom I need you to come get me, this girl is crazy and stole my keys and drivers license” Being as wasted as I was, my reference point I gave her was, I see a blinking water tower. Good reference point obviously.

My mom said fine, give her the phone and ill ask her where you are. I let her in the car and now shit gets wild. The bitch actually gets on the phone and says I AM THE CRAZY ONE and her next sentence is, “…and I am not fucking telling you where we are!” GREAAAAAAAT now I being kidnapped by a fat fucking smurf. I got my phone back from her after a scuffle and then attempted to get my keys from her. Now picture us wrestling in my car and me trying to get my keys and then it happens:

Me: You fat ass give me my keys!
Her: Fuck you asshole you cant have shit!
Me:What the fuck is your problem (as I am prying her hands open)
Her: FUCK YOU!!!!!!! (now she starts to bite me)
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY FUCKING ARM
Her: (still gnawing away at my arm)
Me: ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG IMA FUCKING KILL YOU BITCH!!!!!!
Her: (cracks me in the head)
Me: (trying to curl up in a ball in my own car)
Her: (Swings and connects in my eye, punches me in the side repeatedly inbetween her biting me.)
Her: HIT ME YOU BITCH, FUCKING DO IT
Me: YOU ARE CRAZY (now I am trying to get out of my car)

After I got the fuck out of there I ran off and she started to chase me. I was still on the phone at this point and my mom heard everything. My mom told me it was the scariest shit ever listening to her attack me. I ran off and tried to find an address. I went into someone building and found some mail. I told my mom the address and she couldnt help me. Now the girl found me and starts wailing on me again. I hung up on my mom and realized this has gone too far. As I am running away I am calling the police praying they make it before I get murdered by this chick. The cops get on the phone

911: This is 911 what is your emergency?
Me: HELP ME THIS GIRL IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!
911: Where are you sir?
Me: I see a watertower, I dont know, trace the call, you’re the police!!!
911: Sir we cant do that, do you see signs anywhere?
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHE BIT ME AGAIN!
911: Sir find a sign please!

I ended up running back in a circle to that building and told them the same address I told my mom. The cops ended up showing up just in time because crazy girl was going to steal my car. She was in it and the cops swarmed her. Being a situation they first thought it was my fault but quickly realized when it took them 3 cops to tackle her ass to the ground I was 100% in the right.

The cops started questioning me but before they got anything out of me knew this girl was crazy. I showed them all the bite marks. I was actually bleeding from the top of the head. I mean what the fuck, was this bitch on roids?!?!?! Now its 4AM, I am in my moms car crying that I am sorry and shes like dont worry your drunk. And the first smart thing that has come out of my mouth in years. “I did was you said mom, I didnt punch her in the face like I wanted to, I just ran the fuck out of there”

I cant tell you how much pain I currently am in. This all just happened last night and basically I feel like I got in a car accident. It sucks knowing some bitch got the best of me and kicked the shit out of me but ya know what. I was in handcuffs by Merrionette Police Dept at 2am and at 4am, watched the girl I was hanging out with get put in handcuffs by Alsip Police Dept.

Spring Break 2010, a week during which one of myself and Dan’s most epic tales to date transpired. Due to not remembering a vast majority of events that went on throughout the week, I feel it necessary to only recount our most prodigious day that I remember most of, which happened to be Tuesday.

The day begins:

I awaken on a couch at Fat James’ beach house and survey my surroundings, seeing as I have no recollection of arriving there the night before. I consult with Wender, wake up David James, and demand we go to find Dan. I then eat a corndog and chug two beers before heading out, at this point it is approximately 9:00 a.m.

We arrive at the Days Inn to find Dan napping in the corner of the room a few buddies of ours had rented. He apparently had pissed himself in one of the beds and been shunned to the corner at some point in the night. After Dan had collected himself we struck out on a mission to get breakfast. Today, our salubrious choice of food couldn’t have possibly been worse—Mexican. In addition to the food, Dan’s breakfast consisted of two margaritas; I knew where this day was heading already.

After ‘breakfast,’ our next stop was indubitable: the liquor store. Dan comes out of the liquor store with a pint of the cheapest vodka available, a 30-pack of Natural Light, and yet another margarita, this one being about twice the size of the previous two. We then return to the Days Inn to rejoin our other buddies, who will remain unnamed due to the fact that they are actually respectable members of society. As we wait on them to get back from eating, Dan decides I should chug the entire pint of vodka.

It is now 10:00 a.m.

I have absolutely no reluctance and immediately tip the bottle up. After about a shot, I realize this was not a good idea. I lower the bottle of vodka and say:

“Dude, I think that was a bad move.”
Dan “Pussy! Finish that shit!”
Kevin “No man, I think I’m about to lose it.”

I should note I have only thrown up a handful of times in all of my experiences with alcohol. I don’t know if it was the amount I had drank the night before, the Mexican food, the vodka before noon or a combination of all three that caused it, but I immediately started hurling over the railing of the second floor.

After about the third heave of the orange colored phenomenon that had previously been residing in my stomach, I noticed a girl on the first floor laughing at my misfortune.

Kevin “DON’T LOOK AT ME!”
Heave number 4.

The rude bitch goes to her room and gathers her other strumpet comrades.

Heave number 5.
Kevin “THIS NEVER HAPPENED!”
Heave number 6.

My stomach, now empty, decides to stop humiliating me and allows me to recompose myself. Fully disgraced that I have already had an audience of 5 women watching me vomit up something the likes of which I’ve never seen before noon on a Tuesday, I decide we should meet up with our friends and continue what we started. We arrive at their room and I demolish the remaining pint of vodka within the next 5 minutes while Dan annihilates the rest of his massive margarita.

Our next several hours consisted of screaming obscenities at people from the second floor balcony of the Days Inn while working on the 30-pack. I can’t really discern any specific conversations because I was nearly blacked out drunk, but we were screaming things along the lines of:

“GUIDOS! LOOK UP HERE YOU PUSSIES! GET BACK TO THE SHORE!”

“HEY! WHERE ARE YOU FROM? NO ONE CARES! SHOW YOUR BOOBS!”

“BLONDE HAIR! STOP HANGING OUT WITH FATTIES SO YOU GET ALL THE ATTENTION! YOU SELFISH BITCH! BIG GIRLS NEED LOVE TOO!”

To a guy dragging a cross down the beach telling people they were condemned to hell:

“JESUS DIDN’T HAVE WHEELS YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITE! HOW DARE YOU DENIGRATE THE GOOD LORD LIKE THIS!”

We then decide to strike out for the beach after meeting back up with Fat James and KO at Hooter’s. As we are walking toward the beach access, Dan starts projectile vomiting half-way through his beer. This is basically how it went down:

Heave number 1.

Dan “WHORES!” To all the people on the outside deck of Hooter’s.

Heave number 2. Resumes chugging his beer.

Heave number 3.

Dan “FUCK EVERYONE! AAHHHH!” Resumes chugging beer.

Heave number 4.

Dan “WHEN WILL IT END! FUUUUCK!” Finishes beer.

While this was happening I was practically awestruck and could do nothing but laugh and try to finish my beer, as I felt it was only just if Dan was finishing his beer as he was throwing up. Rather than continuing onto the beach with Fat James and KO, Dan and I strike off across the street to the Chevron to buy cigarettes. While Dan is in the store, I accost a homeless man.

Kevin “Homeless man! Do you have some DRUGS!”
HomelessMan “Man, I got these dime sacks, man.
Kevin “Let me see that shit NOW!” I then look at what this homeless man is trying to sell me.
Kevin “Homeless man, do NOT insult my motherfucking intelligence because I am drunk. These are obviously only worth $5.”
HomelessMan “It ain’t like that man, not at all. I could do $8.
Kevin “Drugs aren’t my thing, I was just curious if you were holding. Let me hit that fucking beer bro.”

I then proceeded, after thoroughly wiping the mouth of the bottle and trying not to touch it to my lips for fear of AIDS, Herpes, etc; to down this homeless man’s entire 32 oz King Cobra Malt Liquor despite his protests. Dan approaches me and my homeless compatriot with three 32oz Natural Lights, giving us each one. I let the homeless man know the respect he has gained by doing nothing as I chugged his beer:

Kevin “Homeless man, you are essentially now my best fucking friend. You are our BOY! You’re partying with us tonight.”
HomelessMan “Hell yeah man, that’s what I’m talkin’ about. Times are tough.”

I hand Dan my 32 oz Natty and we set off across the road to get back to the beach. Before we even make it half-way across the street, we are stopped by two policemen who had been hanging out in the parking lot next to the store.

Cop1 “What the hell do you guys think you’re doing? You can’t have those beers open out here, at least put them in a bag.”

HomelessMan makes a mad dash for the beach. The cops just blow it off.

Dan “Sorry man, I didn’t know.” Dumps out both beers and throws them in the trashcan next to the port-a-potties.

The cops decide that is sufficient enough punishment and let us carry on our way. We finally get to the beach and see HomelessMan lurking at the bottom of the dune-walkover, conversing with one of his equally home-lacking affiliates. I immediately decide he has royally fucked up.

Kevin “HOMELESS MAN! WHAT THE FUCK BRO? We take you under our wing and you desert us like this? Nah, fuck that, give me that fucking beer.”
HomelessMan “Man don’t do me like that, it’s all I got.”
Dan “FUCK YOU! I bought you that beer you fucking bum, and then you just leave us like that.
Kevin “You could have had a great night, but you ruined it. I thought you were our fucking boy.”

I take his beer and chug the entire thing except for about a mouthful.

Kevin “Have fun with that, asshole!”

Mt. Pleasant, MI March 2008

I drive with no particular direction in mind and I decide to loop around the apartment complex. Over & over I circle the complex until those in my car leave…its about that time. I look at my clock. Almost 3am and I’m thinking…Cheeseburgers sound mighty good and I find myself in BK’s drive-through the next thing i know….about a mile away!

I order the most amazing cheeseburgers of my life. A quick glance in the mirror shows a cop behind me in the drive-through… and I decided to exit the lot rather slowly. This didn’t warrant suspicion. “Above the Law” I grab a cheeseburger and head home.

On my way back to Jamestown, approximatly one minute later…I hit a cops side mirror. The cop had a person pulled over on the shoulder. I figured why not run…..he is parked. I blow through an intersection and then proceed to pull the E…squealing in to the YY complex. I can’t find a parking space so I look around. Then I get boxed in by two cars. My Run is up!

The cop begins walking toward my door. I quickly proceed to lock the doors, roll up my window a bit and grab the second cheeseburger. Just then I hear a steady tap on the window, followed by a muffled voice outside. “Sir, put down the cheeseburger and step out of the vehicle!” I’m not quite sure how many laws I’ve broken but the prospects of sleeping in jail seem highly probable I overlooked his initial request but assured him I only needed one minute, showing a finger through the glass, and continued on eating.

“NO OUT OF THE CAR RIGHT NOW!”…complete bad news!

Central Michigan University -August 2007-I’ll start off by saying I don’t remember much…

For Kuhns bday we had a bash in Jamestown the weekend before classes. I had recently gotten my car back after it was stolen (another story) & was pumped to be driving again…

Quite a few friends from across the state and most of our neighbors showed up. The night was going alright i guess:) I remember getting into it. At one point the party moves to the bar while I move to the couch with one babe. Needless to say, I was sloppy.

I cannot say I remember anything - But this is what I’m told:
a) Got in a fight with Daver
b) After Chad took away my keys to my car, I used the spare
c) Made headline news

I’m stuck in some ditch, I lose my shoe in mud and manage to completely cake the jeep. (Probably would have been better to have just passed out here). I start reving the engine, going back & forth, trying to escape this mess. As I look back on my night, I guarantee I did this for 20 minutes straight. Finally, I make it out and manage to climb this hill. Thank God, a Jeep is really an off road car! When I pull onto the road I realize I’m on the expressway.

So I’m cruisin along the expressway at 4 am going 70. I pass a car that was pulled over on the side of the road, facing my direction. There was also a cop on the opposite side of the expressway with lights flashing. I make a quick maneuver and slide between the two, unknowingly dodging the spike strip he threw my way. Then a few miles go by and I am continually looking in my mirrors and the cops lights never faded away. When I pulled over, I thought they were in hot pursuit of someone else, but to my surprise I was the one getting boxed in I remember guns were drawn and I remember kissing the pavement.

Unknowingly to me, the whole time I was driving on the wrong side of the expressway. The car that was pulled onto the shoulder was also a cop and they were all after the drunken idiot who was driving on the wrong side of the road. I’ll pass on using my spare keys the next time and hopefully I can avoid the headline news for the rest of my life!