Its not everyday you can look back and think… I was 5 minutes from being killed, found in a dumpster or found in a field somewhere but its happened to me. The scary part is its not a memory that I can forget or one that will ever go away. I may just be emotionally scarred for life.
It started out like any other Saturday except this one was different. I just got laid off and I had literally nothing to look forward to that day. When my wife woke me up shes like you need to do something fucking productive, I am sick of you sitting here sulking about how you have no job. Im like listen, I am trying you gotta give me a break, I have been job hunting ever since you made me move to Vegas and I just literally got laid off this week so lay the fuck off.
I went out and looked for jobs all afternoon form restaurant to restaurant and found nothing. Everyone had the same answer, “we are already cutting our staffs hours so theres no way we can bring on another worker”. I was used to it so its not like they offended me by any means. After I got home and still didn’t find a job I was greeted at the door by my loving wife. “Did you find a fucking job yet asshole?” Me “No why dont you just lay the fuck off and go finger blast yourself to death since we know I’m not getting tonight anyway!” I walked by her with disgust that we were still together and just stormed in the other room like a little girl. Fuck me, I tried its not like I was the one who wanted to move to Vegas to begin with. I left a perfectly good job working at Southwest Airlines.
When it came time for my whorish wife to work at Hooters, an extremely respectable job, I decided I would drive her. After dropping her off I decided I would go grab a few drinks. It started off as a regular night just having a few cocktails but I got hooked on the nickel slots. I won a little bit but just enough to keep the drinks coming. One after another they went down smooth. The cocktail waitresses suddenly were looking better and time seemed to have stopped. I was up about $40 in nickels which is like a billion fucking nickels by the way. In downtown Las Vegas, they still had slots where you could actually cash out in nickels and not tickets. It was sweet, but FUCK ME they got heavy. After I cashed out I guess I had way too many cocktails and fell right the fuck out of my chair. Nickels were everywhere, it was a madhouse. Guards were racing to try to keep these homeless fucks off my money but all hell broke loose. Some old hag snatched a few up and I screamed “Bitch give me back my rent you fuckin old mother fucker… ill beat your false teeth out!!!” The guards were trying to stop me from her and then this black dude was scooping them in his hat, I turned and tackled him and thats when it happened. A giant ass slot machine got nailed and tipped over…. NOW WERE FUCKED. The black dude was mother fucking me as I took some shots to his gut. I turned and the gramma was still stealing my change…. the guards were holding back the crowd trying to pull me off and then I just said fuck it and booked. I left all my nickels…. $40 …. DAMN ME… im super pissed. I have a knot on my head from head butting the slot machine. Cops are everywhere. They are scrambling like a madhouse but no one knows whats going on. I darted into another casino and ordered a drink. My heads hurting but I am wearing a hat so no one noticed. I slam my drink and order another. I cant figure out what happened, I am trying to replay the events but nothing is coming to mind. I kept thinking of how I wanted to pop granny in the face. This guy next to me kept mumbling shit and finally im like What the fuck are you saying dude. He looked and me and goes, “man i dont know what you did but your shirt has a giant ass hole in the back and ur bleeding a little bit. ” Im like thanks and ran off to the bathroom. By a little bit he meant I looked like i was sliced with a machetti. I tried to clean up the best I could and went and bought the first shirt I found. It was this pink shirt for women that said “Viva Las Vegas men!”
I was like holy shit what the fuck am I wearing when I saw myself in the mirror. Its ok though because I wasnt bleeding anymore. I had about $20 in my wallet at this point and knew I couldnt afford my tab. I folded up my other shirt and left it on the bar and asked the bartender if I could make a quick call. I got out there and my phone died at this point. So I pretended I was dialing and darted off like a fucking giselle. Jesus Christ this is one helluva high. I was running looking for my car and saw some guards chasing me. Now I am fucked- I lost my car. Where did I park…. fuck me?! Im so drunk, Im wearing a pink t-shirt and now I lost my car. I saw this hooker and she was trying to get guys to come home with her. She took one look at me and thought I was a dumb tourist. I started talking to her and asked her where her motel was. I told her I dont have a car but I would go if she got us a ride. The motel she was staying at was a few miles closer to the strip from downtown. I knew I lived in Henderson so I figured it would be a great idea to get closer. As I sat in the cab with her she asked me about my day. I told her I tried to beat up an old lady and some black guy robbed my $40 in nickels. She just laughed saying I had a rough night and she would take care of me. I thought I could pull a fast one on her and run off but it looked like she had back up close by.
When we got to her motel room I asked to use the bathroom. I had to figure out how to get the fuck out of here. I cant get caught with a hooker- I dont want to go to jail. I mean what the fuck am I really doing. I just used a hooker for a ride closer to my house. Im wasted and trying to think. Being a dumbass I tried to get out the bathroom window. I opened it and she heard a bang… and asked me if I was ok. I accidentally kicked the toilet seat lid off and it shattered. Fuck me … whats happening??!? I stepped back on it again and tried to squeeze out the window— FUCK… im stuck… my shirts ripping and I cant get all the way out. I kept trying to wiggle and then it happened….. SNAP!!! The fucking window screen I was trying to get out of snapped off and we both went tumbling out the window. I heard a HEY YOU OK?!?!?! and ya know what… I wasnt. I fell right on my head and my hands were stuck in the screen. I looked like I was wearing a hula hoop but only it was a fucking window!!! I managed to free myself and thats when I heard a bang… some dude kicked in the door and poked his head out of the bathroom window only to see me running like mad hell. Jesus, my hearts racing. I hear screeching tires and just kept running. I was hopping one fence after another, OMG i have no clue where I am… I am trying to use reference points. The lights are everywhere and Im super fucking lost.
I lost my wallet in the process but still had my car keys. I am certain I will find my car. I was trying to think where I parked it but it was to no avail. I was walking down the streets of downtown Las Vegas and homeless people were everywhere. I have no clue what time it is… my phones off, my wallets gone and my dignity is shot. I slowly made my way back to where I thought my car was and thats when i heard “Hey man, what you doing here” I was confused and had no answer. I really couldnt even tell him anything. He approached me hoping to rob me, took one look and said…. O you must be new to the streets. I just kinda mumbled , yeh- got an ass whooping today. He goes, just sit down man, take a drink of this, it will help. I sat there chilling with some homeless people chugging god knows what. I was super wasted and started telling them stories. I’d tell them one and they would come right back with a ….” AWW man you dont know nothing bout dees streets. My man Vinnie got stabbed over gum and he dont even have all his teef. Fuck it though…. hes ok and got tah stay fo free at da hospital.”
Finally after I sat up, I told them I had a car. There eyes lit up and were like, we thoughts you was homeless. I said, SHIT man, I will be after my wife finds out about tonight. I gave 3 of them a ride to the South Strip. I told them I really didnt have any money and lost my wallet and they said “no problem… lets get some fuckin booze- we gotta car tonight!” Here I am drinking with all these fucking homeless people getting mad fucked up in some alley in my car.
After about what seemed to be an eternity a cop pulled up on us. I was like shit were mad fucked. The cop pulled us all out of the car and asked us questions. He ran all their backgrounds and 2 out of the 3 had warrants and all of them were lying about everything. The cop comes up to me and straight up asks me whats going on
Me: Officer I…. I…
Cop: You are with 2 felons and a known crackhead and you have nothing to say, You are getting taken in.
Me: I SAID WAIT…. ok listen. I had a rough night.
I went through my night and told them everything that happened leaving out the parts where I would self incriminate myself. I told him the circumstances of whats going on and he just laughed about it saying my story was too insane to be fake. He ended up giving me a field sobriety test and if he didnt take the other 3 in, I am pretty sure he would’ve taken me too.
After they let me go I headed home and tried to forget everything that happened. I crawled into bed before my wife got home and cleaned myself up the best I could. In the morning I was woken by my wife and she goes “Hey I just got a call from the Golden Nugget Casino…. they said someone turned into your wallet. When were you there?!?!”
Haha… not sure how I explained that one but ya know what, I got my wallet back, I didnt go to jail, I had to have my car steam vacuumed and I only ended up spending $20 that night. Sure I lost $40 in nickels but my God, it was well worth it.