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Lets call this part of the story clean up time…

After putting the wasted man with his puke covered meat cigar in the cab, it was time to see what he left us in the bathroom. We all make our way back to the bathroom and this sight was just about as frightening as opening the bathroom door to see the man jerking off.

A foul and violent concoction made of of diarheea, puke, and what seems to be the drunk man’s children (jizz) resting on top of all of this. We decide to play a round of flip cup and the loser will be the one designated to flush the toilet. Long story short I lost and the second I flush the toilet there is an eruption of this deathly concoction. It is spewing onto the floor and the sight and smell prove to be too much for me so I end up adding some of my own puke to this mix. I run out of the bathroom as fast as possible, noticing my shoe is covered in this shit.

Everybody left in the bar which is about 7 of us is dry heaving trying to fight back the urge to vomit. Luckily none of us puked after I did. Needless to say we had to leave the bar at around 5 am so Jake could clean the whole mess up.

I had thought that would be the last time I ever saw that dude. But while I was there last week he was there and up to his old antics. He passed out AGAIN on the toilet and forcing a cabbie to wait 20 minutes for him. I pray I never see anything like that again in my life.

While its a great story, its a story that haunts me and leaves me waking up in the middle of the night sweating and I swear I can still smell the deadly concoction to this day.

We all have our favorite bars, whether it is the only bar we can get into because we are underage or perhaps it is just because of the surrounding.I prefer the bars that are considered “a hole in the wall” simply because guidos and dirty skanks never go there… but like all hole in the wall bars, my favorite came with a few drawbacks.

I have met some really interesting characters, whether it be the man and wife who wanted me to party with them at their house involving cocaine and anal. Or the hells angels members who told me I should cut my hair before they fuck me “like a prison slut.”say its not the safest bar to go to alone, especially if you have long hair. But I digress this is all minor in relation to the best night at this bar. Needless to

I went in with a friend of mine at about 9 with no other goal than getting sloppy drunk and stumble home. That goal was a great success but I never would have anticipated what would take place that night. At this bar they have two one person bathrooms a mens and womens room. People tend to use coke in the womens room and take care of toilet duties in the mens room. Being someone who battled with a coke problem I strictly stick to the mens room. At about midnight a group of our friends come in and we set up a table so we could play some pong. At most there was 20 people in the entire bar, 16 of them being with me and my buddy. The other 4 are wild cards mainly middle aged men with grey hair and whiskey breath.

We play about 3 games of pong before we notice one of the wild cards was passed out in his bar stool. The bartender a friend of mine who we will call jake shakes the guy to make sure he is alright. He quickly gets up and walks into the mens room and we figure he is just going to be sick and then go home.

It is now 4 am and we are all struggling just to walk a straight line. I realize just how bad I have to piss and head towards the mens room not realizing this drunk mother fucker was still in the bathroom. I knock as loud as possible and get no response but the door is still locked. I walk over to jake and ask him if there is a key because this guy has been in there for about 4 hours and I was concerned maybe something bad happened. Turns out there was no key and we were all too drunk to pick the lock.

We reach the conclusion that we should remove the door from its hinges so we can check on the unnamed drunk mess. After about 15 minutes fiddling with the hinges we finally get the door off. Now what I am about to describe was one of the most frightening things I have ever seen.

The first thing we see is a naked dude jerking off not realizing that he is visible to the world now. With his pants around his ankles and puke on his shirt. He turns to us and smiles as if he was happy what was happening. We each scream at the same time as if we share a brain. He quickly sobers up and realizes what he is doing. So he tucks his dirty puke covered meat cigar into his pants and starts heading out of the bathroom before falling flat on his face. We call him a cab throw him in the back seat and give the driver the mans id so he knows where to go.

To be continued…

Last weekend I woke up in bed with a woman. She was gorgeous but I couldn’t remember her name or where I picked her up from. My head was killing me and I was ready to blow chunks everywhere. This was probably the worst hangover of my life. The girl begins cuddling with me, kissing me, and trying to get the morning sex thing going. Now don’t get me wrong, I do love morning sex but at 9AM with a huge ass hangover is just not the right time. Upset by my unwillingness, she hops out of my bed, puts on her clothes and bolts out the door. Now when I say bolt, she moved faster than Usain Bolt in the Olympics.

I can finally go to the bathroom and puke my brains out. As I head for the toilet, I catch something very interested out of the corner of my eye from the reflection of the mirror. I look towards the mirror and I am completely in shock at what I am looking at. The thought of puking was way out of my mind and now I needed to figure out what the fuck had happened to me…

I had two massive black eyes and a huge lump on my forehead (I guess my hangover was really a huge fucking headache).

I immediately call my friend who I was with last night, who doesn’t drink, and he said that he and the girl I brought home walked back with us to my apartment. He was with me the whole night and swears that I got in no altercations whatsoever. Sometime
between when the two of them left me and the girl in my apartment and when I woke up I managed to get my ass beat. Needless to say, this girl may have been gorgeous but she liked her sex a little bit to rough.

Yesterday was a beautiful day here in Boston on Sunday, actually in the high 80’s, which is unusual for the end of April. It was such a nice day
out, that obviously we had to start drinking at about 2pm. I had like 8 or so people over my apartment and we were having a great time. At about 6 my girlfriend told me she had to go home to get some stuff for her interview tomorrow. I told her I’d walk her because she just lives in Mission Hill which is about a mile away and it was so nice out, no…fucking gorgeous out.

Have you ever been the perfect amount of drunk after taking tequila shots and drinking beer all afternoon? It was that, we were in perfect moods. We were walking through the park behind the police station holding hands on the way there when one of the cutest (I’d say about) 8 year old black kids comes up to us. He says really awkwardly to her “want to date?” So we kind of just laughed along with him and she told him she was sorry but she had a boyfriend already.

Oh sure, it was all cute until after about a minute of following us and pleading her to go out with him he goes… “I like your tits though?”

At this point I didn’t really know what to say, as I was kind of awestruck that this little fucker had the balls to say something like that. After thinking of what I actually just heard, I told him “Ok kid, you’re not cute and funny anymore, go away.” Apparently to him that meant to start screaming “you cant talk to me like that!!” and out came about 8 more of his little friends, all about the same age from out of literally nowhere. He yells “I’m going to throw acorns at you, you bitch!” (I think he was yelling at me at this point, we just tried to ignore it). Sure enough, a fucking parade of them follow us pelting us with acorns and pine cones. What the hell did we do to deserve this? And where they hell are their parents? At this point I deemed it necessary for some crowd control, so I squirted my water bottle at all of them and thoroughly enjoyed it. Although, it had the opposite effect I thought it would, because instead of scattering like I thought they would, it just fired them up. They started repeatedly screaming “YOU CAN’T DO THAT TO A LITTLE KID!” And here came the bunch of them, raging, throwing everything they could find at us for a good 5 minutes as we just tried to walk faster. (P.S. Uhhh I’m pretty sure you stopped asking to be treated like a little kid when you told my girlfriend you liked her tits and called me a bitch).

My girlfriend eventually took off her sunglasses and stared them down and that scared the shit out of them so they scattered. Thanks for
protecting me hunny.

I was out with my friends for my birthday in Boston. I was so excited seeing as I have never partied in Boston before. I was having a great time, and kept downing all the birthdy shots that were being bought for me. I knew I had too much when I was dancing on the table, singing BARNEY on the top of my lungs. I then proceeded to say I was Big Bird and wanted to attack Snuffelofagus. I was then pulled off the table from my friend which ripped my leggings. This was a sign that it was time to go home.

I ended up taking my leggins off, and walked to the cab with just booty shorts on. I was in the cab and needed to pee BAD. Holding it in was not an option. I ripped my shorts off and started peeing in the cab. The cab driver didnt speak english but in whatever language he was speaking I could tell that he was not happy with me. I got kicked out of the cab without pants with him screaming at me “YOU PEE ON ME, YOU PEE ON ME, DIRTY GIRL PEE ON ME!” He then proceeds to call the police saying “she pee on me, dirty girl pee on me!” I made it back to my friends apartment without being arrested and without a need to pee .

Last night I went out drinking with a couple of friends from out of town at a bar. I was in NYC for the weekend for a vacation and was looking to get away from the recent struggles of work.

Long story short, we got wasted but somehow we made it back to the hotel okay. As soon as we got through the door of the room my girlfriend had to make a mad dash to the bathroom to go pee. Now I am a few steps behind her, laughing at how bad her urge to pee is. I hear her sighing as if she released a whole lot of pee but didn’t hear any water splashing (the usual sound pee makes when it hits water). When i get to the bathroom I am able to see what had happened. She decided that the hamper looked enough like the toilet and was peeing in there. Now this isn’t the best part…

It’s 9AM and I wake up to my girlfriend screaming at someone. What the hell was going on? I then realize that she is on the phone with the concierge and yelling at them. “THE MAID PISSED ON MY CLOTHES WHEN I WAS OUT!.” I immediately hung up the phone, explained to her what had happened, and showed her the picture I took of her (wish I was allowed to send that one in).

I was in Panama for spring break with 5 of my friends. One night, we decided to start pre-gaming with shots of patron and mixed drinks of vodka & crandberry around 7:30p.m. After taking a few shots we decided to relax and have a couple drinks with some Israelis that we met who had just gotten out of the military.  They informed us that they were going to a really fun casino that night and invited us to go.  Sounded like a good idea, right?

Last night I was visiting a friend of mine at school and we were going out to a club and having a BYOB pregame. So, three of us decided to get some whiskey, cheap whiskey. We figured three of us…two bottles is probably best. We began drinking Coke and Evan Williams, I say this because Evan Williams and Coke would imply that the Coke has the heavier substance, but it was a 35:1 ratio of EW to Colaaa.

So after three of us put away two liters of whiskey we got in a car with some people and headed for the club. (This is as far as I 100% remember) The next thing I know we are at the club, I don’t remember the drive as I had already passed out, courtesy of General Blackout. We get there only to find out it is closed to the public for an event that night. House party time it is. (Blackout again).

As I think back to one of my drunkest nights of my life I come to realize that I actually do not remember most of it. In 11th grade my friend was throwing a party (as his parents were away). At the party I was introduced to this tube-like product called the headrush. If you have never heard of the headrush, let me explain for you. This tube-like product easily fit over the top of a logneck beer bottle (they now make attachments for cans). The tube had a straw coming out of it to hold in, or release the air pressure within the bottle. You would place the tube over the bottle, and cover  the top of the straw part with your finger. When you were ready you would release your hold on the straw part and slug back the beer. The beer would flow down your throat about as fast as a funnel. As I am sure you all are right now, I was fascinated by this product. It was headrush time! Beer after beer after beer after beer…The next thing I know I am sitting in a lawn chair and begin to vomit. I have been told many things from that night but from that point on I remember only three things:

1. As I am sitting, vomiting on this lawn chair this chick continues to try to feed me rice cakes. Every time I eat a rice cake I throw up more.I am too fucked up to even get the sense to tell her to stop feeding me fucking rice cakes.

2. My friends mom was suppose to take me home. She saw how wasted I was and asked me for my mom’s phone number. I then proceded to shout to her my home address followed by my moms phone number.

3. I wake up, its 8am, I am laying in my living room and I have no idea how I ended up there.

What I was told happened: I was throwing up for 4hrs straight, my mom had to come pick me up, she then passed out from seeing me so wasted, her boyfriend had to pick us both up. Then I was taken home.