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Welcome to SUNY Albany’s Kegs & Eggs, a shitshow of a time starting before you would even be home from the bars running all weekend long. If shitty bear and omelet’s (potentially green for St. Patties day) at 6am don’t sound like a good time you need to re-evaluate your life. Think of your childhood, you have been preparing for a weekend like this since you first read Dr.Seuss’s Green Eggs and Ham…if you forgot the classic story let me fill you in on how my weekend with Green Eggs and Ham will go:

So I will eat them dressed in only socks

And I will eat them with a side of sorority box

And I will eat them in your infested fraternity house

And I will eat them with your pet mouse

And I will eat them on bowling lanes and avoid couch’s with sex stains

Say! I will eat them with the Great Danes!

Now that I sold you on Kegs & Eggs with my lyrical rhymes, it’s time to pack your bags and get ready for an absolute train wreck of a weekend. The drinking begins between 3 to 4am (yes I really just said 4am) so be prepared to get zero sleep, hey your parents always wanted you to get an early start on the day…at least your making them proud this weekend.

Saturday March 14- Wow 4am Really Exists When I’m Sober!

I promise you when 3:30am roles around you will feel like shit and the last thing you will immediately want to do is start drinking, bottom line…don’t be a pussy. My mornings at Kegs and Eggs in the past have started with an alarm clock at 4am blasting ThunderStruck with a beer sitting directly next to the alarm, this shit will get you fired up. Remember it’s a privilege to party not a given right, so prepare for battle all day long. Pound a few beers in your room and get out  by 5am to go find a house party close to Washington Ave. You will be amazed at how many people are already tanked at such an early hour but it’s nothing compared to the bar your about to hit up.

Chubby’s on Washington Ave opens at 6am and there will guaranteed be a huge line when you role up. Chubby’s is the definition of what a shitshow would be defined as….once inside the bar you’ll realize what you just signed up for. The entire place is flooded with beer and people are literally pounding back brews and dumping beers all over each other…like you have something better to do at 6am?

Once you have had enough of Chubby’s it’s time to hit up some house parties, which will continue the festivities throughout the day. I will be hitting up a huge ragger on Hudson Street and hope to see everyone there. If you don’t make it to Hamilton or Hamilton Street there will for sure be parties going on close to Chubby’s so just follow the crowds. The house parties are really where it’s at considering everyone will be black out drunk before 8am hits, and most places will just charge you $5 for a cup to drink all day.

To phrase this in a nice way, there are some real sluts in Albany. This slut factor mixed with a morning full of drinking should always equal some random hook up or at least a bj in the frat houses bathroom. At some point during the morning you definitely will need to refuel unless of course your passed out covered in your own piss already. The great part about this is the egg factor of kegs and eggs, not all parties will have food but there is no doubt you can find some house party to grab a quick bite then head directly back to the bars or your new bj queen.

If you wake up in the morning at the hotel consider it a true accomplishment….if you wake up without dicks drawn all over your face consider that an accomplishment as well.

- TheCampusSocialite.com

I was visiting some friends of mine at college for a few days in upstate Vermont. We were at a party in their friends apartment, doing jager bombs and throwing back various micro-brews. One of my friends, very drunk, decided he wanted to hook up with this girl who he had been kinda talking to for a little bit, and that this was the right night to do it.

So they hang out all night and retire to her room at about 2AM and she comes out almost immediately, bummed that he instantly passed out as soon as he climbed into her bed. So we continue drinking and about an hour after the incident, we see him walk out of the room, walk into her roommates room (where there were 2 girls sleeping) and calmly close the door. So a couple of us guys peek in and turn on the light and there he is, pants halfway down, pissing on the floor, muttering to himself! He turns around quickly and confused and proclaims, “I’m trying to go to bed!”, climbs inbetween the two sleeping girls, pants still down, and goes to sleep. Luckily, the girls were close were close friends of his and were able to just laugh about it in the morning.

He still had to shampoo their carpet.

So I’m visiting my boy and UAlbany, and we are at this fairly large house party off campus, which is really crowded. Eventually, I have to break the seal and pee, but cant go out the front door because they guys who owned the house would charge me to get back in and there’s an  incredibly long bathroom line. Instead, I go out the back door, only to find that it’s a porch/balcony with no way down, but there’s this guy peeing off of it, so I join him.

Now, the balcony is in back of the house, on the left side near the driveway; the right side of the backyard is completely fenced in, so the only way back inside or to the front is through the driveway, there’s a car parked in the driveway, and this guy is peeing on it, he invites me to do the same, claiming this is his house, that it’s his neighbor’s car, and that it’s ok to pee on it because his neighbor is a “giant douchebag of a tool.”

Being the very polite drunk that I am, I pee so that the stream goes in front of the side of the car (closer to the house and not hitting the car itself), the whole time, there are these five or so girls yelling at each other to our right in the backyard. Two of them are like “fuck you ive had it” and start to leave - walking right towards where we are peeing.

Now, having watched the whole thing hoping there was going to be a girlfight of sorts, we saw where they were headed (right into our streams) and stopped peeing. That was PAINFUL. The girls, however, look up and see us still with our dicks out and are like “eww fuck you
that’s gross,” thinking we were hitting on them or something. I have a bit more game than that.

We attempt to tell them that we were just peeing and stopped so they wouldnt walk into it (they never noticed), so they continue to yell at
us saying how we’re such terrible people. Angered and in pain, we turn to them and start peeing again - in their direction. They jump to the
side and run off, cursing.

The guy and myself finish and give each other a left handed handshake. He introduces me to a couple of his housemates and gets me more drunk.

Central Michigan University -August 2007-I’ll start off by saying I don’t remember much…

For Kuhns bday we had a bash in Jamestown the weekend before classes. I had recently gotten my car back after it was stolen (another story) & was pumped to be driving again…

Quite a few friends from across the state and most of our neighbors showed up. The night was going alright i guess:) I remember getting into it. At one point the party moves to the bar while I move to the couch with one babe. Needless to say, I was sloppy.

I cannot say I remember anything - But this is what I’m told:
a) Got in a fight with Daver
b) After Chad took away my keys to my car, I used the spare
c) Made headline news

I’m stuck in some ditch, I lose my shoe in mud and manage to completely cake the jeep. (Probably would have been better to have just passed out here). I start reving the engine, going back & forth, trying to escape this mess. As I look back on my night, I guarantee I did this for 20 minutes straight. Finally, I make it out and manage to climb this hill. Thank God, a Jeep is really an off road car! When I pull onto the road I realize I’m on the expressway.

So I’m cruisin along the expressway at 4 am going 70. I pass a car that was pulled over on the side of the road, facing my direction. There was also a cop on the opposite side of the expressway with lights flashing. I make a quick maneuver and slide between the two, unknowingly dodging the spike strip he threw my way. Then a few miles go by and I am continually looking in my mirrors and the cops lights never faded away. When I pulled over, I thought they were in hot pursuit of someone else, but to my surprise I was the one getting boxed in I remember guns were drawn and I remember kissing the pavement.

Unknowingly to me, the whole time I was driving on the wrong side of the expressway. The car that was pulled onto the shoulder was also a cop and they were all after the drunken idiot who was driving on the wrong side of the road. I’ll pass on using my spare keys the next time and hopefully I can avoid the headline news for the rest of my life!

Last night me and a bunch of my friends are partying at this kids house.
Drinking is going on everywhere. Funnels, beer pong, flip cup, shot guns. Basically, were all getting wasted.

The owner of the house passes out at 12am. I know. what a pussball. Being the champions we are, the rest of us keep partying and me and my boys girlfriend have this great idea to make tacos. As
we’re making the tacos me and my boy’s girlfriend (remember, both wasted) are flirting back and forth with each other. Shes touching me, im touching her, the usual flirtatious stuff. I give her a slap in the ass and were
laughing about it. But I guess that was the breaking point for someone else…

Her boyfriend (my boy) was in the room right next door and starts to get mad. Hes screaming and yelling and talking up a storm to me. The tacos are done and i grab mine, right as im about to take the first bite he dishes out one last line that put me over the edge. Now I am not one to lose my temper easily but I cannot recollect at all what he said to make me so angry. I hand his girl my taco and i go out to the
deck and crack him in the face. The fight begins.

Were wrestling around like Peter Griffin and the Chicken (i hope you know my reference) and eventually break through the deck and fall 15ft to the ground. I land on my back so hard that it knocks the wind out of me and he lands on top of me. We both look at each other like “did that just happen?” and as everyone runs on the deck asking us if we are alright we just start laughing our asses off. That fall was the end of the fight and hatred towards each other and we help each other up and start to walk back upstairs.

Not only did I fight my boy, fuck up my back real bad, but worst of all is that when I got upstairs someone ate my taco .

To begin, all of my friends have jobs and work real hard during the week to party harder on the weekends. As our usual typical Saturday night, we meet up at one of our places to pregame and then go out to the bars.

At the bar I see this pretty good looking girl. Obviously I need to be drunk to kick some game so I head to the bar and order myself 3 shots of patron. I swig those babies down, have a little pregame chat with my buddies, and head over to this chick. We begin chatting and to my suprise she is digging my vibes. I buy her some drinks, she buys me some drinks, and about 130Am (the bar closes at 2) we are both pretty drunk. Its time to go in for the kill…”Do you want to get outta here?”. She responds with, “Unfortunately I have a boyfriend to go home to but would you like to come to the bathroom with me?”

I am shocked! I grab her by the hand and bolt for the mens bathroom. We get in a stall, do our thing, and a few minutes later I am walking out the bathroom with the biggest smile on my face. I kiss this girl on the cheek goodbye and I will probably never see her, speak to her, or casually have sex with her in the mens bathroom again.

Whatta night!

The other night this kid in my dorm brought back this pretty hot girl. Now even though you may not like certain kids, everyone on my dorm floor would hang out with each other, especially after the parties. Obviously, my room was the room everyone would hang out in and where all the drunk shennanigans would go down.

Now back to the story…I am usually the one to supply the beers for the after pary but this night I had nothing in my fridge. The kid who brought the girl back decided to step up and fix this problem. Trying to be cool, he left the girl with us and he was off to get us some beer. What a poor choice by him!

Once this loser leaves, his girl immediately starts brushing up on me and chatting up a storm. She wanted me and I was not going to turn this down because of some kid I don’t like thinks hes getting with her. Shes pretty wasted and tells me that she thinks I’m cute and to not let the other kid back in. She begins making out with me and we are grabbing at each other.

A few minutes later the kid comes back knocking. “I got some beer!, Let me in!.” Everyone keeps their mouth shut and we eventually hear the kid shuffling his feet down the hall. He did not only lose his chance with this girl but it was all his fault and I was getting with here. She spent the night and to this day the kid believes we found another house party to go to :).

Last weekend my friend was having a get together. Who would guess that this would turn into one crazy night? We all get to my friends house at about 8.30 and start drinking. I take a total of like 9 shots and at this point i still know whats going on. Unfortunately, I remember being so wasted that I am just crawling around on the floor like a dog haha. So I then decide to play a round of beer pong and after this I am soooo gone.

Apparently, I went outside with my ex boyfriend and drank even more on the lawn. All of a sudden I wake up, theres beer cans surronding me like it was my bed and I look up to see my ex peeing on my leg. What the fuck?!?! Luckily, the sprinklers came on shortly after so i rinsed off my leg.

We headed back inside and recapped the night by looking at the pictures and videos of our wild night.

We all know what happens when it gets late at night, we are tipsy, and we have yet find our lucky guy or girl for the night. Yes guys, girls do the exact same thing! We resort to our cell phone. Time to scroll through the list of names that we have.

After many texts to this boy I wanted, I was getting no response. What shall I do? I decide to make that phone call to him. Someone picks up, yes! All of a sudden I realized that I was on speaker and he had all his friends yelling absurd things to me. The last thing I hear is, “Stop texting and calling me! You are an ugly drunk whore who I do not want to hook up with!” The phone goes silent and I am in shock.

It was at that point that I learned to never drunk text/dial ever again. FML!

Last Friday night I began my weekend as usual.  I pregamed in the dorms with a group of people and then headed to a party.  Beers are drank, shots are ripped, and jungle juice is pounded.  It’s probably around midnight when we all decide to head to our favorite college bar.  Now everyone has that one person they hate in life, and when I walk into the bar I see this guy.

Now let me tell you about this douche bag. This guy is my girlfriends best friend (yeah, hes that guy).  She is smoking hot so of course I am going to be slightly jealous that she hangs out with this clown all the time.  They hang out way too much for my liking and he gets her gifts and drive her around, which is obviously a sign that he would like to fuck her.  I never got overly concerned though cause he was one of those white guys that dresses and acts black.  His demeanor screamed douchebag from miles away. My friends all knew about this creep too and all of them wanted to fuck him up too…

At the bar I think to myself that I’m out with my friends and having a good time so I figure that it’s not worth the aggravation of letting it bother me that’s he’s there.  But this confrontation could not be avoided.  He comes up to me about twenty minutes later…

Douche: What’s up, man?
Me: What’s up?
Douche: You’re buddy just called me a pussy.
Me: Okay.
Douche: I know you told him to say that.
Me: Although I agree with him, I didn’t tell him to say that.
Douche: That’s completely out of line.
Me: (I get in his face) Out of line?  You’re calling me out of line?
Douche:  Dude, don’t touch me.  Get out of my face.

Are you kidding me?  With the way this asshole acts with my girlfriend? I fuckin snap, “STAY AWAY FROM MY GIRLFRIEND!!!” and I throw a left and punch him in the face.  He staggers back a little and grabs his face with a dumbfounded look on it.  “I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU,” I yell at him. My friends grab me and are holding me back.  “I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!” The place is small and everyone is just looking on with no idea what I’m so angry about.  The bartenders have seen the whole thing though.  They come over and promptly kick him out of the bar.  My friends settle me down and the bartender gives me a drink on the house.

My girlfriend would later break up with me by the end of the weekend…fuck her too!