So I am chillin out watchin T.V. last saturday night when I get a call from one of my oldest friends saying that some sluttly girls were throwing some great keg party. So me never being one to flake on a party, I go out to scoop my friend and we meet up with the girls at a Mcdonalds about 20mins from the house. We stop at the store because yall know how chicks are they have to have the heavey shit. So we get 24oz cans of some of the cheapest crap I have ever tasted. We chugg the cans and make our way to this random house back in like some farm area or whatever. There r 2 kegs in the front yard so we waste no time finding cups and gettin shitty. So we got there about 9ish n it gets to like 4am.

Now what happened next is all a little fuzzy but I remember doing several keg stands, doing 10 shots of god knows what out of some strippers pussy dont ask and getting a lap dance from this one dudes gf. Anyway the night ends with me going to 7-11 n drunkenly rippin all the posters off the wall gettin the cops called and well lets just say I didnt outrun them.

I woke up in the drunk tank the next day cover in puke lol u gotta love keeggers.

To make a very long story short my first club experiance was full of firsts like:

1)passing out after 8 rum and cokes in the club only to wake refreshed and ready to drink more.
2)dirty dancing with other girls
3)holding church in the ladies room and telling all who entered it was f*** it night and to leave all your worries behind and that every one is beautiful
4)banging my head on the stall door
5)hugging guys i had never met before
6)getting a drink and a back rub from a guy and not remembering what he looked like.
7)almost watching my friend get her ass beat for telling a butch lesbian that the mens room was next door!!
8)going to the club with $72 and only coming home with $2

Ahhh the memories… well at least what i can remember!

Last week I went to Quebec with about 20 friends. Before heading to the club on the second last night, I drank 3/4 of my 26er of smirnoff, most of which was drank straight. I don’t even recall leaving the hotel. I woke up the next morning in my friends room and was informed of the embarrassing events of my night. Apparently I walked around telling everyone that I wanted to bang my friend. I even walked up to him and informed him at which point he apparently told someone to make sure I go to sleep. I still don’t remember any of it …..

I now no how much of a nerd I am. I blacked out Saturday night and woke up Sunday morning to find out I installed Linux on my PC.

So graduation parties are still full throttle in my little hometown and after a series of boring family parties, my friend Bruce decides to have a huge rager in this place called the Dunes; a sandy cove by the river in our town. My friend Don and I pregame a little with some bacardi shots and sam adams before heading over, and im already a little buzzed by the time i get there. There were kegs everywhere, just stuck in the sand with dozens of people already drunk out of their minds and getting even more to drink.

After a few more drinks, I wander into a crowd of friends who decide to use the rope swing that swings out of the river from a 15-foot cliff. Don and I chug half a handle each of smirnoff (bad decision) and headed over. After this, my memory goes completely blank save for a few moments. I remember banging my ex-girlfriend Kitty in the woods not too far from the party and people stopping what they were doing to listen to us. I remember seeing two hot lesbian chicks, Coral and Zoey, using a double-sided dildo and going to town on a sandbar in the river. And, most of all, I remember going of the rope swing and forgetting when to jump off, then realizing i should’ve already jumped when it was too late to and smashing my knees, shoulder, and face into the rocks, scraping the shit out of 25% of my body (luckily, im pretty sure this happened after i banged my ex).

I woke up the next afternoon on a canoe on the other side of the river about 100 yards down from the party, still bleeding slightly from my face and knees. There was vomit on my chest and the floor of the canoe, and i was in only my boxers. Nobody could fill in the rest of the night’s events for me, because no one remembers enough of what happened. And i never did find my clothes.

This night was one that was very memorable for me. This past weekend was my senior prom, and I’ve been a good boy throughout high school, so I figure I might as well enjoy myself. The whole evening was great, and afterwards, myself, my date, and a bunch of my friends decide to head over to this kid Bobby’s house for a party.

I get there and his dad, who apparently has no problem with a bunch of teenagers drinking and smoking in his basement, let me inside. I got downstairs, and found the weirdest group of people I have ever seen at a party. You know how every high school has cliques? Well, there were the stoner kids who always are at these parties, the jocks, the preppy girls who are afraid to get their uggs dirty, the partywhores, and the AP kids; all at one party. There were beerpong and flipcup tournaments, kids smoking salvia and pot, and a lottt of alcohol. My main group of friends arrives a little after me, and this is when the drinking starts.

I start out with some corona, budweiser, and miller lite, and since my friends and I are still sorta new to the drinking experience, it doesnt take much to feel something, but it all tastes like shit. The whole night wasn’t marked my one single event, but by a bunch of weird things. Two girls I’d never met before came up and started dancing with me and spilled beer on my arms and torso, and then licked it off!

Soon, my friends and I are chilling in this sitting area when Bobby, the host of the party, comes over to us and is fucked out of his mind and worrying about cops and his dad. He looks at my friend Brian in a chair, and starts screaming, “Who the fuck is this kid? I’ve never seen any of you fucking people! Who are you?” Keep in mind he knows all of us quite well. My friend Jake then walks over to him and starts telling him we’re all one big can of cool beans, and we’re chillax in his book. My 6′ 8″ friend Matt comes downstairs garbling words and leans onto Jake and Bobby, spilling his beer all over my friend Joey. Then this stoner kid Mike, who’s been sitting still in an armchair for 20 minutes, starts slapping his face uncontrollably and laughing, telling he’s being tickled by midgets (salvia trip). I was getting pretty horny so I walked over to a group of girls and said “Who wants to let me put my dick in their belly button?” which unfortunately was to no avail.

As the night went on, the party got more and more sketchy. Some of the more “innocent” kids left after it got too weird for them. Bobby continued to flip out, especially at my friend Jake, but it was hilarious at the same time. This one time, I’m taking a hit of salvia when this girl Mandie pukes a waterfall over this kid Anthony’s shoes, telling this guy she just met she needs to be treated properly. I decide it’s time for a piss, I’m pretty drunk, and I stupidly decide to take one right next to my friends David and Patrick, who are talking. They laugh, and Bobby comes up the hill screaming “What the fuck are you laughing at?! You laughing at me?!” which scares the bajesus out of David. When some 23 year old creep shows up with cocaine at this 15-18 year old party, my friends and I decide it’s time to leave.

We walk down Bobby’s backyard, which is connected to my friend Charles’ backyard, where a tent was pitched in the backyard and we were all planning on sleeping. I come up from the basement to find my friend Eric, fucked out of his mind, jumping from one random location to the next and saying, “Level 10: complete, Level 11: Complete”, thinking he was in a video game.

We get in the tent, and weird shit just happens. My friend Joey starts crushing beer cans on his forehead without regard, while saying “Beer me” to Brian who tosses them to him out of a cooler. Suddenly, Joey look at David and starts flicking his tongue, to which David shrugs his shoulders and starts doing the same thing back. We invented a new drinking game, and then my friend Mckenzie and I stole the cookies out of the tent and ran away, after whipping half of them at Patrick.

After this, I’m kinda tired and decide to take a nap on the lawn. After like 20 minutes, David gets concerned, and rushes outside to wake me, thinking I’ve passed out cold. I get up, and he helps me into the tent (I needed help), and then a few of us leave for a puking session we could feel coming. Once that’s over, some asshole flashed a flashlight at the top of the hill near Charles’ house, and all of us bolt inside, save for Bryan, who decides to sit on a log saying, “I belong in the wilderness. I’ll wait for the wolves to take me”. Half of us crash on the couch in various positions in Charles’ living room listening to music on late-night TV (with Eric saying, “Where’s the music?” the whole time), and the other half sleep in the tent. Two hours later, at about 7 am, Charles’ dad walks in, finds the first conscious person he could (happened to be me), and says, “Donuts on the counter”. I think he new we were drunk, but he didnt care which is pretty chill for a cop. A half-hour later, we all wake up, with surprisingly no hangovers and get ready to head to the beach. Perfect prom night to remember.

Well its 10pm and I’m bored as shit on a Saturday night so I’m like fuck it lets get wasted. I get my roommate to buy some pink lemonade vodka and we pregame with my other friend in his dorm room before we go out to this house party a couple of blocks away. I take 10-12 shots of vodka and am thoroughly wasted before I even walk out the door. After that it’s all a blur.

Somehow I awoke the next day back in my bed in my dorm room. My knees are hurting for some reason and my ankle is too I then find a bible with a letter attached to it that was slid up under my door saying this.

Dear ____,
You probably don’t remember much from last night on account of all the alcohol you drank. To recap – you emphatically and persistently screamed “I bloodied his face” over and over again – referring to someone you assaulted before returning to ______. You were ranting and raving like a mad man cursing non-stop and making zero sense. You were belligerent towards your friends and became the center of much laugher for your foolishness. Undoubtedly you broke at least two laws (one of which, if charged, would send you to jail, the other if punished accordingly, could get you kicked from the university). On top of that you mad an unbelievable noisy scene in which you bothered many people trying to enjoy sleep at 2:30 am.

There are 4 more paragraphs after this talking about how I should come to Jesus etc, but that’s not as entertaining so I’m going to leave that out. Needless to say that was the scariest morning of my entire life. I still don’t know who the hell wrote that damn letter, its been 3 days since that night and nothing has happened, I don’t know if I’m going to ever drink again but knowing me I will.

Me and my buddies got drunk one day and we were pretty bored. We ended up deciding to go to target just to mess with people. We decided we were going to grab condoms and place them in random peoples shopping carts when they were not looking. We waited for them to check out and see their reactions when they were scanned through. It was hilarious and I wish I had pictures to show you all!

Last night I drank 6 beers in my room with some friends. Then I drew some triangles on my face and decided it was time to ride my bike (through the rain, at 11:30, by myself, while thoroughly drunk) to the next town to another party I was invited to. I took my phone, ID, keys, and, of course, silly string. Then I got lost. Keep in mind it’s down pouring.

So I make a phone call for some directions and fall off of my bike in the middle of the road. Almost get hit by a car but hop back on like its no big deal and by some miracle of God I finally ended up where I wanted to be with everything intact. I probably drank some more and talked to people (who can remember these things?) Then I smoked some weed. Then I rode my bike back to school while incredibly ridiculously drunk and high.

Somehow got to my room decided to take a shower. I told my roommate that I might die and if I do, she can have my bunkbed. Then i went on the internet and typed “crazy videos” into google. I watered the dead plant that hasn’t been watered in 4 months. I put some money on my laundry card and set my alarm for 8:30. I also remembered to wear my reading glasses. and then I fell asleep.

When I woke up (to my 8:30 alarm) I was still drunk and high so I decided to do laundry. The cleaning lady was down there and I asked her if she wanted help with anything. She looked confused. I still might be drunk…