Yesterday was a beautiful day here in Boston on Sunday, actually in the high 80′s, which is unusual for the end of April. It was such a nice day
out, that obviously we had to start drinking at about 2pm. I had like 8 or so people over my apartment and we were having a great time. At about 6 my girlfriend told me she had to go home to get some stuff for her interview tomorrow. I told her I’d walk her because she just lives in Mission Hill which is about a mile away and it was so nice out, no…fucking gorgeous out.

Have you ever been the perfect amount of drunk after taking tequila shots and drinking beer all afternoon? It was that, we were in perfect moods. We were walking through the park behind the police station holding hands on the way there when one of the cutest (I’d say about) 8 year old black kids comes up to us. He says really awkwardly to her “want to date?” So we kind of just laughed along with him and she told him she was sorry but she had a boyfriend already.

Oh sure, it was all cute until after about a minute of following us and pleading her to go out with him he goes… “I like your tits though?”

At this point I didn’t really know what to say, as I was kind of awestruck that this little fucker had the balls to say something like that. After thinking of what I actually just heard, I told him “Ok kid, you’re not cute and funny anymore, go away.” Apparently to him that meant to start screaming “you cant talk to me like that!!” and out came about 8 more of his little friends, all about the same age from out of literally nowhere. He yells “I’m going to throw acorns at you, you bitch!” (I think he was yelling at me at this point, we just tried to ignore it). Sure enough, a fucking parade of them follow us pelting us with acorns and pine cones. What the hell did we do to deserve this? And where they hell are their parents? At this point I deemed it necessary for some crowd control, so I squirted my water bottle at all of them and thoroughly enjoyed it. Although, it had the opposite effect I thought it would, because instead of scattering like I thought they would, it just fired them up. They started repeatedly screaming “YOU CAN’T DO THAT TO A LITTLE KID!” And here came the bunch of them, raging, throwing everything they could find at us for a good 5 minutes as we just tried to walk faster. (P.S. Uhhh I’m pretty sure you stopped asking to be treated like a little kid when you told my girlfriend you liked her tits and called me a bitch).

My girlfriend eventually took off her sunglasses and stared them down and that scared the shit out of them so they scattered. Thanks for
protecting me hunny.