They always say take the road less travelled by. I often think about what this means and if I am on that path or not. Well apparently my ability to find the craziest bitches ever has not gone away. As much as I crave finding a nice girl, whack bitches find me, hunt me down and latch the fuck on. Last night was definitely no exception.

My night started out on a good note. I got off work after only 3 hours and wanted to have a few beers. Well a few turned into about 15-16 before I went out. Thats right, I fucking pregamed with 16 beers. Knowing I couldnt drive I had this bitch pick me up. I knew she was a cheap ass so basically everything I buy will be double. After getting picked up we headed out to TGI Fridays for a beer pong tourney.

Now me being in a fucked up state of mind argued about everything stupid. Apparently the beer pong tourney wasnt starting on time so of course I bitched like a motherfucker about it. So here I am drinking at a restaurant yelling at the bartenders and managers because they wouldnt start some stupid tourney.

We left there and headed out to a bar. At first it seemed like a great idea. Having no concept on time I am pretty much guessing its about 10pm right now. I am now 10 hours into drinking at this point. Shots started to pour and it all somehow got put on my credit card. At first I didnt care but realizing I havent gotten paid yet I knew this was going to be a typical overdraft on my part.

Here’s where the story gets fun. We were leaving and I tried to pay my credit card… it was on $41 but it wouldnt go through. That was my only form of payment and the bar was motherfucking me and what not. I said whatever fucking arrest me then. Here I am yelling at these cops calling them assholes while I am in handcuffs at the bar. They kept saying its going to cost you $100 to get out of jail and my smartass said, Ya know what asshole, if I cant pay $41, how the fuck am I going to pay $100. Hes like your going in buddy, im like ok tough guy. The cops obviously wanted nothing to do with the paperwork so they ended up just letting me go.

No this isnt where this story ends.

Now since I am completely blasted I let this girl drive me home. After we dropped off her friend she sat in the parking lot and said we were going to her house and im like fuck that take me home, I gotta work in the morning. She started yelling and bitching saying some stupid shit and here I sat saying, “You fat fuck, take me the fuck home or get the fuck out of my car” She got out of the car with my keys….. what the fuck am I supposed to do now.

Well I locked her out and she started wailing on my car windows. Im fucking wasted trapped in my own car with the wackiest bitch ever outside of it. Who would you call, obviously since now its 330am I dialed my moms number. “Hey mom I need you to come get me, this girl is crazy and stole my keys and drivers license” Being as wasted as I was, my reference point I gave her was, I see a blinking water tower. Good reference point obviously.

My mom said fine, give her the phone and ill ask her where you are. I let her in the car and now shit gets wild. The bitch actually gets on the phone and says I AM THE CRAZY ONE and her next sentence is, “…and I am not fucking telling you where we are!” GREAAAAAAAT now I being kidnapped by a fat fucking smurf. I got my phone back from her after a scuffle and then attempted to get my keys from her. Now picture us wrestling in my car and me trying to get my keys and then it happens:

Me: You fat ass give me my keys!
Her: Fuck you asshole you cant have shit!
Me:What the fuck is your problem (as I am prying her hands open)
Her: FUCK YOU!!!!!!! (now she starts to bite me)
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY FUCKING ARM
Her: (still gnawing away at my arm)
Me: ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG IMA FUCKING KILL YOU BITCH!!!!!!
Her: (cracks me in the head)
Me: (trying to curl up in a ball in my own car)
Her: (Swings and connects in my eye, punches me in the side repeatedly inbetween her biting me.)
Her: HIT ME YOU BITCH, FUCKING DO IT
Me: YOU ARE CRAZY (now I am trying to get out of my car)

After I got the fuck out of there I ran off and she started to chase me. I was still on the phone at this point and my mom heard everything. My mom told me it was the scariest shit ever listening to her attack me. I ran off and tried to find an address. I went into someone building and found some mail. I told my mom the address and she couldnt help me. Now the girl found me and starts wailing on me again. I hung up on my mom and realized this has gone too far. As I am running away I am calling the police praying they make it before I get murdered by this chick. The cops get on the phone

911: This is 911 what is your emergency?
Me: HELP ME THIS GIRL IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!
911: Where are you sir?
Me: I see a watertower, I dont know, trace the call, you’re the police!!!
911: Sir we cant do that, do you see signs anywhere?
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHE BIT ME AGAIN!
911: Sir find a sign please!

I ended up running back in a circle to that building and told them the same address I told my mom. The cops ended up showing up just in time because crazy girl was going to steal my car. She was in it and the cops swarmed her. Being a situation they first thought it was my fault but quickly realized when it took them 3 cops to tackle her ass to the ground I was 100% in the right.

The cops started questioning me but before they got anything out of me knew this girl was crazy. I showed them all the bite marks. I was actually bleeding from the top of the head. I mean what the fuck, was this bitch on roids?!?!?! Now its 4AM, I am in my moms car crying that I am sorry and shes like dont worry your drunk. And the first smart thing that has come out of my mouth in years. “I did was you said mom, I didnt punch her in the face like I wanted to, I just ran the fuck out of there”

I cant tell you how much pain I currently am in. This all just happened last night and basically I feel like I got in a car accident. It sucks knowing some bitch got the best of me and kicked the shit out of me but ya know what. I was in handcuffs by Merrionette Police Dept at 2am and at 4am, watched the girl I was hanging out with get put in handcuffs by Alsip Police Dept.

You ever go to a party and realize you arent going to get ANY ass if you dont make some exceptions to your rules as a human being? Warning you in advance. If you just ate, you will throw up. If you have a weak stomach… you will throw up. If you think I cant be descriptive enough to make you throw up… put syran wrapping on your keyboard right now… I will prevail!!!!!!

This story dates back to my 2nd year in college. It was a year that I was single for the first time in my life. I wasn’t exactly the type of guy who thought he could get any girl he wanted. I lacked confidence. I just dropped out of football and wasn’t exactly working out like I once was so I lost the little bit of confidence I had to begin with.

It was a typical weekend coming up; party friday and saturday and guys watching football on sunday. I figured it would just be another wild party that I drank too much and passed out in my room alone. This wasn’t exactly that type of party this time. There was an over abundance of slutty girls seeking guys attention. I was actually sitting and talking to 3 or 4 girls at a time and was extremely shocked. Turned out I was pretty good at convincing girls to come over to our house but once they were there I was still in that relationship mode and fucked it up all the time. This time I started drinking a little earlier with my roommates and it turned into a shitshow. First off there was a chick there that literally looked like a character out of the nintendo game street fighter. I am talking about the original game in which one of the bad guys had short blue hair cut in the shape of a bowl straight all the way around. He had man tits that poked out a little bit and was very muscular. Well the only thing that differed between the chick I was talking to and this guy was her hair was red, same cut, and she had smaller tits and no muscles. The only thing one could say about this chick was… at least she wasnt fat.

The only problem about her was the pure and simple fact this may have been the most horrendous chick on the face of the planet. She wasn’t just ugly she had no personality. She was a complete and whorish slut and would seek attention from any guy that would talk to her because she was probably definitely beaten as a child.

Heres where I am going to take a step back in my story. A few years back I was dating a girl who never liked to have sex. She was always worried about having a kid which as I see it now may have been impossible because I havent really even had a scare up till now… 7 yrs later. Its kinda scary to know someone is that paranoid but ya know what, good for her. Well I still liked to screw around so I became a very good convincer for her to 69. It became our regular foreplay. So heres where I bring you back to the story.

Here we are drunk as ever and the HeadMonster keeps insisting she sees my room upstairs. I was so fucked up I didnt really take the hint but I was still sober enough to know kinda what she wanted to do. I took her upstairs and thats when it started. I was still a rookie at the sex game so after making out with this creature I figured I would get her to go down on me. The only problem I have such bad A.D.D. I get bored easily and thus lose my arousal. So here we are sitting on my bed and I whisper “can we 69?” She kinda looked at me funny and goes “Sure”.

First off on a fucking side note… Ladies please fucking dont look at us like we are morons! We are not mind readers. We do not know what the fuck is going on in ur life or your vaginas. If you have a little stank… just tell us we wont judge you.

So back to the story. Here I am suggesting away at 69ing and she finally gives in. PLOP… right on my fucking face. At first I was like sweet and in the very split second OOOOO FUCKIN NOOOOO. It was horrendous! The smell so violent I thought I was punched in the face. I couldnt even look at it in the evil brown eye that stared right back at me. I dont know if she was on the rag or what BUT DAYYYUM. I needed air! I coughed and she kinda turned her head but didnt say anything. That mother fucking bitch knew what she was doing to me. I was suffocating on my own bed trying to thrust my head deeper away buried into my bed to get away from the smell. She had to know I didnt even touch that thing… does the dumb bitch not know what 69ing is?!?! Its certainly not, sit and stare at the fucking rotting VAG! I had this major dilemma…. what the fuck do I do???? She is blowing away and it felt great. At this point in my life it was the best head I ever received so I couldnt very well stop her. I mean what if I offended her and she stopped and I didnt get off?!?! I would have the bluest balls in the world. At this point I realized I am arguing with myself and still holding an erection. HOLY SHIT!!! I am so proud of myself that my mind switched gears. The rotting corpse in front of me was no longer my focus. I am now laughing because its great. I am getting head from the ugliest girl in the party, hell the world and I am laughing about it! ALAS she finished!!!! I throw her off of me and blurt out something about the bathroom.

As I get in the bathroom and run for my toothbrush and try to brush my teeth…. NOTHING. I just can taste the wretched stench glued to my face. I quickly decided, I needed to make it go away. I am sick to my stomach. I flipped my toothbrush and there I went. Puked up the world. Everything I drank, ate thought about eating…. my feelings, my emotions and most of all my dignity. I at this point realized, i just let a horseface go down on me and she literally almost shit in my face. It was now time to get rid of her.

As I went back in my room my mouth dropped. She was wearing one of my favorite t-shirts. O HELL FUCKIN NO! There was no way HeadMonster was going to take that shirt home with her and most of all leave her shit in my room and let her stay the night. Is this bitch insane?!?! Doesnt she know what she just did to me? Well apparently NOT! I quickly thought fast and asked her to change into a different shirt bc that one was dirty. (Quick thinking dumbass… a 3 yr old wouldnt buy that excuse). Much to my surprised she changed into another shirt that coincidentally was my roommates. HAHAH now he get to see what I did. I thought I would be embarrassed and I kinda was but at this point I have bigger problems. Since we were upstairs I told her to go down and say hi to everyone and let em know Ill be down there in a minute. The best part about our house… you could lock anyone out of anyones room. We had solid doors and very good locks. TinyTits headed downstairs while me being the most appreciative guy took all her shit and threw it in the hallway, locked my door and went to sleep. I heard her knocking maybe a half hour later but I never said anything.

You would think the humiliation of being thrown out of someones room and locked out would be enough especially since I never asked for her number or anything. No persistent HeadMonster came back the very next day and was ready to party. I was at work that night so I wasnt there to see her until it was already too late. I walked into the middle of a party and there she sat, red fucking hair and all just staring at me with her goofy fucked up looking smile. I knew I had to think fast so I grabbed the only single roommate in the house and pleaded with him. “Dude, I cant have her around me, last night was terrible. I will tell you someday what happened but all I have to say was at least she is good at giving head. I know you are a christian guy and just let girls blow you so I beg of you… I’ll give you $20 right now if you hit on her. She just wants a guy to like her and what not. If she blows you I promise you $20 now.”

My friend fucking saved me and till this day he said… that may have been good head but that was the worse $20 he ever made. He told me she stalked him for weeks! HAHAHAHA… all I have to say is $20 goes a lonnnnnng way in college. It can save you even from the HeadMonster!