I work at a sleepaway camp during the summers and am away from alcohol for about two months which is a much needed break. But when I get home. That 1st night, all bets are off. When I got home I went straight out to the bars forgetting that my brothers girlfriend was visiting from texas. I go out, get drunk, and come home disgustingly drunk and strip down…

I wake up the next morning in bed naked with my brothers girlfriend who had come in to say hi and she is now staring at my swinging sausage. Things are still awkward between us.

I confess I drink too much…

One night I was out at a bar and we managed to have comped drinks all night. I was 17 at the time so obviously, this was the greatest night of my life. We stayed for about 6 hours and we all left disgustingly drunk. I got home and decided to take a shower when my cats caught my eye. I decided it would be a good idea to lay down and play with them for a bit…

Fast forward 4 hours I hear “wake up asshole” followed by a swift kick to my ribs. Turns out I stripped down naked while playing with the cats in the kitchen and was laying spread eagle for my mother to see…

That was fun to explain.

Lets call this part of the story clean up time…

After putting the wasted man with his puke covered meat cigar in the cab, it was time to see what he left us in the bathroom. We all make our way back to the bathroom and this sight was just about as frightening as opening the bathroom door to see the man jerking off.

A foul and violent concoction made of of diarheea, puke, and what seems to be the drunk man’s children (jizz) resting on top of all of this. We decide to play a round of flip cup and the loser will be the one designated to flush the toilet. Long story short I lost and the second I flush the toilet there is an eruption of this deathly concoction. It is spewing onto the floor and the sight and smell prove to be too much for me so I end up adding some of my own puke to this mix. I run out of the bathroom as fast as possible, noticing my shoe is covered in this shit.

Everybody left in the bar which is about 7 of us is dry heaving trying to fight back the urge to vomit. Luckily none of us puked after I did. Needless to say we had to leave the bar at around 5 am so Jake could clean the whole mess up.

I had thought that would be the last time I ever saw that dude. But while I was there last week he was there and up to his old antics. He passed out AGAIN on the toilet and forcing a cabbie to wait 20 minutes for him. I pray I never see anything like that again in my life.

While its a great story, its a story that haunts me and leaves me waking up in the middle of the night sweating and I swear I can still smell the deadly concoction to this day.

We all have our favorite bars, whether it is the only bar we can get into because we are underage or perhaps it is just because of the surrounding.I prefer the bars that are considered “a hole in the wall” simply because guidos and dirty skanks never go there… but like all hole in the wall bars, my favorite came with a few drawbacks.

I have met some really interesting characters, whether it be the man and wife who wanted me to party with them at their house involving cocaine and anal. Or the hells angels members who told me I should cut my hair before they fuck me “like a prison slut.”say its not the safest bar to go to alone, especially if you have long hair. But I digress this is all minor in relation to the best night at this bar. Needless to

I went in with a friend of mine at about 9 with no other goal than getting sloppy drunk and stumble home. That goal was a great success but I never would have anticipated what would take place that night. At this bar they have two one person bathrooms a mens and womens room. People tend to use coke in the womens room and take care of toilet duties in the mens room. Being someone who battled with a coke problem I strictly stick to the mens room. At about midnight a group of our friends come in and we set up a table so we could play some pong. At most there was 20 people in the entire bar, 16 of them being with me and my buddy. The other 4 are wild cards mainly middle aged men with grey hair and whiskey breath.

We play about 3 games of pong before we notice one of the wild cards was passed out in his bar stool. The bartender a friend of mine who we will call jake shakes the guy to make sure he is alright. He quickly gets up and walks into the mens room and we figure he is just going to be sick and then go home.

It is now 4 am and we are all struggling just to walk a straight line. I realize just how bad I have to piss and head towards the mens room not realizing this drunk mother fucker was still in the bathroom. I knock as loud as possible and get no response but the door is still locked. I walk over to jake and ask him if there is a key because this guy has been in there for about 4 hours and I was concerned maybe something bad happened. Turns out there was no key and we were all too drunk to pick the lock.

We reach the conclusion that we should remove the door from its hinges so we can check on the unnamed drunk mess. After about 15 minutes fiddling with the hinges we finally get the door off. Now what I am about to describe was one of the most frightening things I have ever seen.

The first thing we see is a naked dude jerking off not realizing that he is visible to the world now. With his pants around his ankles and puke on his shirt. He turns to us and smiles as if he was happy what was happening. We each scream at the same time as if we share a brain. He quickly sobers up and realizes what he is doing. So he tucks his dirty puke covered meat cigar into his pants and starts heading out of the bathroom before falling flat on his face. We call him a cab throw him in the back seat and give the driver the mans id so he knows where to go.

To be continued…