You ever go to a party and realize you arent going to get ANY ass if you dont make some exceptions to your rules as a human being? Warning you in advance. If you just ate, you will throw up. If you have a weak stomach… you will throw up. If you think I cant be descriptive enough to make you throw up… put syran wrapping on your keyboard right now… I will prevail!!!!!!
This story dates back to my 2nd year in college. It was a year that I was single for the first time in my life. I wasn’t exactly the type of guy who thought he could get any girl he wanted. I lacked confidence. I just dropped out of football and wasn’t exactly working out like I once was so I lost the little bit of confidence I had to begin with.
It was a typical weekend coming up; party friday and saturday and guys watching football on sunday. I figured it would just be another wild party that I drank too much and passed out in my room alone. This wasn’t exactly that type of party this time. There was an over abundance of slutty girls seeking guys attention. I was actually sitting and talking to 3 or 4 girls at a time and was extremely shocked. Turned out I was pretty good at convincing girls to come over to our house but once they were there I was still in that relationship mode and fucked it up all the time. This time I started drinking a little earlier with my roommates and it turned into a shitshow. First off there was a chick there that literally looked like a character out of the nintendo game street fighter. I am talking about the original game in which one of the bad guys had short blue hair cut in the shape of a bowl straight all the way around. He had man tits that poked out a little bit and was very muscular. Well the only thing that differed between the chick I was talking to and this guy was her hair was red, same cut, and she had smaller tits and no muscles. The only thing one could say about this chick was… at least she wasnt fat.
The only problem about her was the pure and simple fact this may have been the most horrendous chick on the face of the planet. She wasn’t just ugly she had no personality. She was a complete and whorish slut and would seek attention from any guy that would talk to her because she was probably definitely beaten as a child.
Heres where I am going to take a step back in my story. A few years back I was dating a girl who never liked to have sex. She was always worried about having a kid which as I see it now may have been impossible because I havent really even had a scare up till now… 7 yrs later. Its kinda scary to know someone is that paranoid but ya know what, good for her. Well I still liked to screw around so I became a very good convincer for her to 69. It became our regular foreplay. So heres where I bring you back to the story.
Here we are drunk as ever and the HeadMonster keeps insisting she sees my room upstairs. I was so fucked up I didnt really take the hint but I was still sober enough to know kinda what she wanted to do. I took her upstairs and thats when it started. I was still a rookie at the sex game so after making out with this creature I figured I would get her to go down on me. The only problem I have such bad A.D.D. I get bored easily and thus lose my arousal. So here we are sitting on my bed and I whisper “can we 69?” She kinda looked at me funny and goes “Sure”.
First off on a fucking side note… Ladies please fucking dont look at us like we are morons! We are not mind readers. We do not know what the fuck is going on in ur life or your vaginas. If you have a little stank… just tell us we wont judge you.
So back to the story. Here I am suggesting away at 69ing and she finally gives in. PLOP… right on my fucking face. At first I was like sweet and in the very split second OOOOO FUCKIN NOOOOO. It was horrendous! The smell so violent I thought I was punched in the face. I couldnt even look at it in the evil brown eye that stared right back at me. I dont know if she was on the rag or what BUT DAYYYUM. I needed air! I coughed and she kinda turned her head but didnt say anything. That mother fucking bitch knew what she was doing to me. I was suffocating on my own bed trying to thrust my head deeper away buried into my bed to get away from the smell. She had to know I didnt even touch that thing… does the dumb bitch not know what 69ing is?!?! Its certainly not, sit and stare at the fucking rotting VAG! I had this major dilemma…. what the fuck do I do???? She is blowing away and it felt great. At this point in my life it was the best head I ever received so I couldnt very well stop her. I mean what if I offended her and she stopped and I didnt get off?!?! I would have the bluest balls in the world. At this point I realized I am arguing with myself and still holding an erection. HOLY SHIT!!! I am so proud of myself that my mind switched gears. The rotting corpse in front of me was no longer my focus. I am now laughing because its great. I am getting head from the ugliest girl in the party, hell the world and I am laughing about it! ALAS she finished!!!! I throw her off of me and blurt out something about the bathroom.
As I get in the bathroom and run for my toothbrush and try to brush my teeth…. NOTHING. I just can taste the wretched stench glued to my face. I quickly decided, I needed to make it go away. I am sick to my stomach. I flipped my toothbrush and there I went. Puked up the world. Everything I drank, ate thought about eating…. my feelings, my emotions and most of all my dignity. I at this point realized, i just let a horseface go down on me and she literally almost shit in my face. It was now time to get rid of her.
As I went back in my room my mouth dropped. She was wearing one of my favorite t-shirts. O HELL FUCKIN NO! There was no way HeadMonster was going to take that shirt home with her and most of all leave her shit in my room and let her stay the night. Is this bitch insane?!?! Doesnt she know what she just did to me? Well apparently NOT! I quickly thought fast and asked her to change into a different shirt bc that one was dirty. (Quick thinking dumbass… a 3 yr old wouldnt buy that excuse). Much to my surprised she changed into another shirt that coincidentally was my roommates. HAHAH now he get to see what I did. I thought I would be embarrassed and I kinda was but at this point I have bigger problems. Since we were upstairs I told her to go down and say hi to everyone and let em know Ill be down there in a minute. The best part about our house… you could lock anyone out of anyones room. We had solid doors and very good locks. TinyTits headed downstairs while me being the most appreciative guy took all her shit and threw it in the hallway, locked my door and went to sleep. I heard her knocking maybe a half hour later but I never said anything.
You would think the humiliation of being thrown out of someones room and locked out would be enough especially since I never asked for her number or anything. No persistent HeadMonster came back the very next day and was ready to party. I was at work that night so I wasnt there to see her until it was already too late. I walked into the middle of a party and there she sat, red fucking hair and all just staring at me with her goofy fucked up looking smile. I knew I had to think fast so I grabbed the only single roommate in the house and pleaded with him. “Dude, I cant have her around me, last night was terrible. I will tell you someday what happened but all I have to say was at least she is good at giving head. I know you are a christian guy and just let girls blow you so I beg of you… I’ll give you $20 right now if you hit on her. She just wants a guy to like her and what not. If she blows you I promise you $20 now.”
My friend fucking saved me and till this day he said… that may have been good head but that was the worse $20 he ever made. He told me she stalked him for weeks! HAHAHAHA… all I have to say is $20 goes a lonnnnnng way in college. It can save you even from the HeadMonster!
One of the best outta everyone on here. Hilarious. I was laughing out loud a few times.