It was a cold Thursday night just after the first snow of the year when we embarked upon the Coyote Club. Together Nasty J, St. Pete, Ty, Trevor, Rocket and I were hoping for a night full of titties and boners. We walked in to the club and we all showed them fake IDs from different states (2 TENNESSEE, 2 ILLINOIS, AND 2 KENTUCKY). The bald bouncer asked us who was 21 and we all raised our hands, he called bullshit then the bouncer taking the money said “Hey man,either they are or they have some good ass fake IDs”. We all looked at each other and smiled. At the start we just kicked back and watched then Ty and I spotted a decently hot stripper and went to the stage. By the time she was done our group had taken up the entire side of the stage. The were immediately attracted to Rocket, this turned out to be not such a good thing. A few strippers went by and I decided that it was time to get Rocket a Ride. I gathered a couple bucks and got him up there with a chick that looked very similar to Kara. She beat his ass and his stomach. He got down…then the next stripper came out and, without anyone paying a dime, got him up; on stage and did the same thing only this time she rode him around like a dog. After that happened I felt bad for Rocket so I bought him a Vodka & Red Bull. We got a few typical lap dances then the girls started searching for a guy for private dances. A more attractive stripper approached Rocket and asked if he wanted one, he responded with a “Whatever”. The stripper took this as an insult and was upset. Myself, being the soft hearted person that I am, felt bad for the small naked lady that smelled like peaches and guilt tripped Rocket into buying a dance. He came out and all he said was “I’ve never been raped or assaulted before but if I had it still wouldn’t have came close to what that was…she molested my penis!” As the bar closed the first stripper that got rocket on stage came to me and Rocket and looked Rocket up and down for several seconds. Rocket said “I don’t have any more money” she replied with “I just wanted to look at you”. After my mind was befuddled by this statement I managed to get out the words “Rocket! Dump [Then Girlfriends Name] and fuck her!”
Whenever my friends and I tell people this story they think we’re exaggerating or lying about the events; I assure you that is not the case. July 8, 1993 was the day I was brought into the world. July 8, 2012 is the day I would turn 19, but it would be a birthday filled with both headaches and celebration.
I woke up around ten o’clock that sunny Saturday morning and I was ready to get my day started. After a quick run to Sonic with my friend Boone it was time to get things rolling. We stopped by Farm Fresh (a convenience store in my hometown) to see Stark and discuss the night’s plans before returning to my house. I decided to have a few friends over to swim and drink a few beers. We had some girls over, drank beer and played some basketball in my pool. With the hot summer sun beating down on us we had no clue that a storm was brewing for later that night.
When Gazelle showed up he was looking to join in the fun too but he didn’t have any kind of liqour and we were all out. Boone found out that his brother would supply the drinks if we could pay, so that problem was solved without much trouble. However, my friends Stark, Diesel, and King were left dry. After watching some porn on the computer and playing some video games they finally found a way to get some beverages. I’m not sure where they all got there drinks from but it didn’t matter; all that mattered was that we knew we were in for a good night.
It calmed down for a few hours, which was probably needed, but when the rest of the men showed up that meant it was time to get at it again. We called probably a dozen or so girls and eight or nine showed up but only three are important enough to mention, “Girl A”, “Girl B”, and “Girl DD”; named after their assets of course. The girls showed up around nine o’clock with one of those frozen bag margarita drinks a piece. By this time we all had a few games of beer pong under our belt and were ready to take them to the sack. King quickly identified Girl DD as his prey and made it very clear to the rest of us that she was off limits.
Around eleven o’clock our buddy Woodlayin’ arrived at my house; he was shirtless, shoeless, wet, and drunker than three indians. We deceided to go swimming for a little bit but after several near drowning scares we decided swimming was a bad idea. When the girls got a hold of our buddy RT for some more drinks they wanted to play a couple of games of beer pong themselves. We all went inside and with the musical works of “Tyga”, “Mac Miller”, and “Travis Barker” playing in the dimly lit living room and game film from our previous football season on the television everyone seemed to be broke up into small groups. The atmosphere reminded me of a scene from Animal House combined with a dirty brothel. Girl B was talking about fucking Stark and Gazelle all night and she had to make a choice. When Girl DD eyed Rocket however, groups and friendships were shortly broken.
Rocket and Gazelle took Girl DD and Girl B to fuck in my dad’s bedroom. While they were in my dad’s room Stark and King went crazy with anger. They threw trashcans, head-butted walls, and Stark ate glass. That’s right he literally picked up glass and ate it. He always was a weird little shit. Seeing the destruction of my house Boone, Diesel, and Woodlayin’ got jacked and decided to join in the fun. They flipped the beer pong table, threw chairs in my pool, and threw empty beer cans across yards and over fences. I live in a rather residential neighbor hood right off the highway so this would’ve been quite a scene for my neighbors if they were to see it and good grounds to call the cops. Then Diesel yelled the quote that would sum up the whole evening, “We’re like the Bloodhound Gang!” During all of this Stretch was lying down, as he always does at my parties, tweeting. Control of the evening was lost; my only hope was that the worst was behind us.
The excitement didn’t stop there though. When Rocket and Gazelle emerged from the bedroom, alongside the girls, they were astonished at how fucked up the house was. The girls looked like their dog had just died and they were forced to eat it. Whenever the girls started getting a bit too arrogant, King took matters into his own hands. He crushed their high spirits by calling them names and bringing up prior events they had been involved in. The coversation something along the lines of this:
King “YOU’RE THE FUCKING SLUT THAT ACTS HARD TO GET THEN HAS TWO GOD DAMN BEERS AND FUCKS THE FIRST GUY YOU SEE!”
Girl DD “Why don’t you just leave you’re causing nothing but problems”
Me “FUCK YOU WHORE YOU LEAVE”
We then made the girls cry and want to leave. As they took “The Walk of Shame” out of my house Girl DD muttered “This is the worst night of our lives.” We laughed and high fived like we had just won the Super Bowl. Girl A however drove so she was stuck with us.
After some further destruction, Woodlayin’s ride showed up to take him home. His ride arrived to my house pissed and wanted to fight us. King laughed at him and said “Get back in your truck; you’re not going to beat anyone’s ass here!” His ride, standing there with a blank look on his face having just been totally demoralised by that last statement proceeded to walk back to his truck. HOLY SHIT WHAT A PUSSY. After this Boone stormed outside and told Woodlayin’ to just get in the truck and leave. Woodlayin’ must have takin this as Boone saying “Fuck you Woodlayin’ go to hell you piece of shit”. Woodlayin, stumbling, charged Boone. King quickly shoved Woodlayin’ to the ground and when he got back to his feet the angry driver came out of the truck yet again. When the driver started yelling at Gazelle, Woodlayin’ came to Bolen’s defense and wanted to fight his own driver. This kid was THAT fucked up. After some more talk Woodlayin’ left; he was still shirtless, still shoeless, still wet, and if possible drunker than when he came. After these events, at around 4 a.m., we decided to go to bed.
We awoke to the voice of my dad, “The Mad Pater”, at 8 a.m. He was more than upset at the state of his establishment. He sweared at us and told us that this would be the last party we could have. He found Rocket and Girl A in his bed, beverage containers everywhere, Boone was gone, glass in the walking path, and a stop sign by the oak tree behind my house; to this day none of us know where it came from. All that these things meant to us is that we had one damn good night!
We proceeded to crawl out of bed and pick up a large majority of the mess. Even we were amazed at how messy the house was; it looked like it had just been through D-Day on the beach of Normandy and someone had just come by and collected all the bodies.After telling this story around 100 times the next couple days we decided that the party needed a name. We settled on The Battle of Wounded Table. It was a great night, one that we will never forget. All the excitement made for one of the most memorable nights of my life. This was the best thing my friends and I did all summer and I’d do it again in a second…the exact same way, the exact same circumstances.
As we told stories from that night to eachother we learned several things. Boone left without anyone trying to stop him after the early morning Woodlayin’ debacle. As for Girl DD and Girl B, they were both ashamed of their actions. Girl DD made excuses that she didn’t know what she was doing and still hasn’t talked to Rocket (At the time this was written it has been nine months). King was upset with Rocket for fucking Girl DD for about a week. Girl B claimed she thought Gazelle was actually Stark; Gazelle stands at 6 foot 3 inches 220 pounds and Stark stands at 6 foot 170 pounds-in other words she’s full of shit. Gazlle had whiskey dick the whole time he has fucking Girl B, poor son of a bitch couldn’t even get off.
To show that I’m not full of shit about the stop sign here is a picture.
It’s the time of year when your social calender is bound to be full, and for most people that means plenty of alcoholic beverages. However, after a few nights on the town can leave you feeling pretty bad, not to mention taking its toll o your wallet. The problem is, nobody wants to be the cautious one of the group who is unable to enjoy their night out. Here are a few things you can try to make sure you can drink responsibly, without becoming boring.
After a few years of drinking, most of us know our limits and how much we can handle before passing out. After all, most people can only take so much before regular nights out turn into full on alcohol abuse, and you probably know when to scale it back. However, it’s worth knowing the measures for a standard drink, and how much you’re really consuming when you go out. Many bars will try to tempt you with cocktails, shots, and other gimmicks that lower your inhibitions and make you want to drink more. These are fun occasionally, but if you’re out several times in a week then sticking to beer and lower alcohol drinks is safer. You don’t have to sit and count how many standard drinks you’ve had, but keep in mind that the recommendation is five or less a day for men, four for women. Spread out over the night, that should be enough to keep your buzz going.
Most people will tell you that mixing your drinks is bad, but that’s not necessarily the case. It’s more to do with the sheer amount of alcohol you manage to consume when you start getting adventurous with your booze. Most people start off on beer or wine before moving onto the shots when they’re already drunk. This means you’ve already hit your limit, so it gets harder and harder to keep track of the amount you’ve consumed, leading to a pretty bad hangover the next day. If you know your friends are going to be getting the shots in later, then nurse your beers earlier in the evening. This means you can keep to some kind of limit without missing out on the fun.
Make an excuse
If you’ve got the kind of friends who won’t take no for an answer, then come up with some good excuses for going easy on the drinks. Being on medication, having an early meeting, saving cash, or trying to stay healthy are all good excuses for having a low alcohol night. Try to limit nights out with those friends who are really heavy drinkers, seeing them when you know you’ve got a day off to recover. If you want a night out without drinking at all, then being the designated driver is a good way to give your liver a rest. Nobody will expect you to drink, and you score some major brownie points with your friends.
Pour your own
If you go to a house party, then learning to pour a standard size drink can save you from a super-size hangover. It’s not surprising to learn that college students often over-pour their drinks, and underestimate the amount they’ve drunk. If you get handed a drink in a red cup, it’s almost impossible to see how much booze you’re drinking, so pouring your own gives you more control over this. If you can find a measuring device like a jigger, then it’s easy to measure the right size drink, allowing you to pace yourself and enjoy the party. As for games of beer pong, you might want to be
out of the room for that one.
Water, water, everywhere
Not every drink has to be alcoholic. If you’ve got a long night ahead, then the occasional glass of water can make the difference between being tipsy and being full-on drunk. It also means you can stay hydrated, something you’ll be grateful for the next morning. If you’re in a hot, sweaty club, then ask for plenty of ice. Not only will it keep you cool, it’ll subtly water down your drink, meaning you’ll have longer between refills. Ice based drinks such as daiquiris are good because they are refreshing and take a long time to drink. Just check how much alcohol is being poured into the blender.
Although a drunken night is fun, everyone needs to cut down now and again. Just follow these tips and you can drink responsibly while still enjoying yourself. The more careful you are, the longer you can stay out at night, and the more you’ll remember those crazy moments with your friends.
Detroit Red Wings player, Riley Sheahan was wearing a Teletubby costume and in possession of a teammate’s identification when he was pulled over & arrested for being ”super drunk” (yes, that is an actual charge in Michigan). Below is the video of him getting pulled over by the police. Enjoy the laugh…