You ever go to a party and realize you arent going to get ANY ass if you dont make some exceptions to your rules as a human being? Warning you in advance. If you just ate, you will throw up. If you have a weak stomach… you will throw up. If you think I cant be descriptive enough to make you throw up… put syran wrapping on your keyboard right now… I will prevail!!!!!!

This story dates back to my 2nd year in college. It was a year that I was single for the first time in my life. I wasn’t exactly the type of guy who thought he could get any girl he wanted. I lacked confidence. I just dropped out of football and wasn’t exactly working out like I once was so I lost the little bit of confidence I had to begin with.

It was a typical weekend coming up; party friday and saturday and guys watching football on sunday. I figured it would just be another wild party that I drank too much and passed out in my room alone. This wasn’t exactly that type of party this time. There was an over abundance of slutty girls seeking guys attention. I was actually sitting and talking to 3 or 4 girls at a time and was extremely shocked. Turned out I was pretty good at convincing girls to come over to our house but once they were there I was still in that relationship mode and fucked it up all the time. This time I started drinking a little earlier with my roommates and it turned into a shitshow. First off there was a chick there that literally looked like a character out of the nintendo game street fighter. I am talking about the original game in which one of the bad guys had short blue hair cut in the shape of a bowl straight all the way around. He had man tits that poked out a little bit and was very muscular. Well the only thing that differed between the chick I was talking to and this guy was her hair was red, same cut, and she had smaller tits and no muscles. The only thing one could say about this chick was… at least she wasnt fat.

The only problem about her was the pure and simple fact this may have been the most horrendous chick on the face of the planet. She wasn’t just ugly she had no personality. She was a complete and whorish slut and would seek attention from any guy that would talk to her because she was probably definitely beaten as a child.

Heres where I am going to take a step back in my story. A few years back I was dating a girl who never liked to have sex. She was always worried about having a kid which as I see it now may have been impossible because I havent really even had a scare up till now… 7 yrs later. Its kinda scary to know someone is that paranoid but ya know what, good for her. Well I still liked to screw around so I became a very good convincer for her to 69. It became our regular foreplay. So heres where I bring you back to the story.

Here we are drunk as ever and the HeadMonster keeps insisting she sees my room upstairs. I was so fucked up I didnt really take the hint but I was still sober enough to know kinda what she wanted to do. I took her upstairs and thats when it started. I was still a rookie at the sex game so after making out with this creature I figured I would get her to go down on me. The only problem I have such bad A.D.D. I get bored easily and thus lose my arousal. So here we are sitting on my bed and I whisper “can we 69?” She kinda looked at me funny and goes “Sure”.

First off on a fucking side note… Ladies please fucking dont look at us like we are morons! We are not mind readers. We do not know what the fuck is going on in ur life or your vaginas. If you have a little stank… just tell us we wont judge you.

So back to the story. Here I am suggesting away at 69ing and she finally gives in. PLOP… right on my fucking face. At first I was like sweet and in the very split second OOOOO FUCKIN NOOOOO. It was horrendous! The smell so violent I thought I was punched in the face. I couldnt even look at it in the evil brown eye that stared right back at me. I dont know if she was on the rag or what BUT DAYYYUM. I needed air! I coughed and she kinda turned her head but didnt say anything. That mother fucking bitch knew what she was doing to me. I was suffocating on my own bed trying to thrust my head deeper away buried into my bed to get away from the smell. She had to know I didnt even touch that thing… does the dumb bitch not know what 69ing is?!?! Its certainly not, sit and stare at the fucking rotting VAG! I had this major dilemma…. what the fuck do I do???? She is blowing away and it felt great. At this point in my life it was the best head I ever received so I couldnt very well stop her. I mean what if I offended her and she stopped and I didnt get off?!?! I would have the bluest balls in the world. At this point I realized I am arguing with myself and still holding an erection. HOLY SHIT!!! I am so proud of myself that my mind switched gears. The rotting corpse in front of me was no longer my focus. I am now laughing because its great. I am getting head from the ugliest girl in the party, hell the world and I am laughing about it! ALAS she finished!!!! I throw her off of me and blurt out something about the bathroom.

As I get in the bathroom and run for my toothbrush and try to brush my teeth…. NOTHING. I just can taste the wretched stench glued to my face. I quickly decided, I needed to make it go away. I am sick to my stomach. I flipped my toothbrush and there I went. Puked up the world. Everything I drank, ate thought about eating…. my feelings, my emotions and most of all my dignity. I at this point realized, i just let a horseface go down on me and she literally almost shit in my face. It was now time to get rid of her.

As I went back in my room my mouth dropped. She was wearing one of my favorite t-shirts. O HELL FUCKIN NO! There was no way HeadMonster was going to take that shirt home with her and most of all leave her shit in my room and let her stay the night. Is this bitch insane?!?! Doesnt she know what she just did to me? Well apparently NOT! I quickly thought fast and asked her to change into a different shirt bc that one was dirty. (Quick thinking dumbass… a 3 yr old wouldnt buy that excuse). Much to my surprised she changed into another shirt that coincidentally was my roommates. HAHAH now he get to see what I did. I thought I would be embarrassed and I kinda was but at this point I have bigger problems. Since we were upstairs I told her to go down and say hi to everyone and let em know Ill be down there in a minute. The best part about our house… you could lock anyone out of anyones room. We had solid doors and very good locks. TinyTits headed downstairs while me being the most appreciative guy took all her shit and threw it in the hallway, locked my door and went to sleep. I heard her knocking maybe a half hour later but I never said anything.

You would think the humiliation of being thrown out of someones room and locked out would be enough especially since I never asked for her number or anything. No persistent HeadMonster came back the very next day and was ready to party. I was at work that night so I wasnt there to see her until it was already too late. I walked into the middle of a party and there she sat, red fucking hair and all just staring at me with her goofy fucked up looking smile. I knew I had to think fast so I grabbed the only single roommate in the house and pleaded with him. “Dude, I cant have her around me, last night was terrible. I will tell you someday what happened but all I have to say was at least she is good at giving head. I know you are a christian guy and just let girls blow you so I beg of you… I’ll give you $20 right now if you hit on her. She just wants a guy to like her and what not. If she blows you I promise you $20 now.”

My friend fucking saved me and till this day he said… that may have been good head but that was the worse $20 he ever made. He told me she stalked him for weeks! HAHAHAHA… all I have to say is $20 goes a lonnnnnng way in college. It can save you even from the HeadMonster!

Before I start this, allow me to make this clear: when I drink, I become one of the most belligerent, unnecessary drunks on the face of this Earth. I have some of the most fucked up drunk stories of anyone I have met in my lifetime. If you do not believe anything that I write. Feel free to e-mail me at khowell51091@troy.edu. I will be more than happy to line you up with one of the people that were present at the time this occurred to clear up any doubts you may have.

No person should EVER do what I did in the following story, when it gets to the point involving Anabolic Halo…you’ll see.

It started out as a normal enough night. Myself and a buddy, Dan, were following our normal Friday night regime. Which mainly consisted of sitting at my place, pounding beers as we awaited the start of the party. This night, however, accompanying the beer was one of my worst enemies—Vodka. Any clear liquor in combination with myself, ultimately leads to me doing something completely absurd. After the beer was gone, we were both decently shitfaced. The obvious decision ahead of us was to immediately start in on the bottle of vodka, to ensure that we were both as drunk as possible upon our arrival to the party. We arrived at the party and immediately took turns chugging what remained of the vodka before making our entrance. My last clear memory for the next few hours would be walking into the party.

I come out of my blackout as I am yelling in the face of some GDI kid. Dan is yelling at his friend about fucking his mother, or something of the like. I stop momentarily to gather my now rehabilitated senses to assess the situation. I have lost my jacket, it is now pouring down rain, there is no one else at the party but myself, Dan, and the two losers we are now repeatedly ravaging with insults; we essentially were making them look like bitches. Then it escalated slightly:

Bitch-Boy 1″ You motherfuckers wanna go to the woods?”
Bitch-Boy 2″Yeah let’s take this outside.”
Kevin” You guys are fucking pussies, you won’t do SHIT!”
Dan”OUTSIDE? WE ARE RIGHT FUCKING HERE!! FUUUCK!!”

At this point I should note that Dan is about 6′3 200lbs, and on an average weekend is an entity of pure drunken vehemence. His voice does not drop below anything short of “ear-piercing.” Anytime we drink together a long, vile, argument always eventuates.

These guys decide it is in their best interest to not continue this altercation with us, apologize for whatever the fuck we were arguing about, and ask us for a ride, due to the fact that they walked to the party and it is now raining cats and dogs. We agree to this for some odd reason, and walk to Dan’s car. After I ponder for a moment, I decide I am the Mario Andretti of drunk driving. If I am not blacked out drunk, I’m more than good enough to drive. Seeing as Dan had recently gotten a DUI, he agreed with my logic and had no remonstrations to my request to drive.

We drove for about a total of 10 seconds before I slammed into the curb and the passenger-side front tire blew out. Note that mine and Dan’s drunken rationale totally eliminated this possibility. We realized this was the cause when we went back for the car the next day and the rim had about a four inch section of it pushed inwards towards the center of the rim. In belligerent drunk mode, hitting a curb and blowing out a tire can result in this:

Kevin”What the fuck just happened!”
Dan” MY TIRE! STOP THE FUCKING CAR!”
Kevin”NO! It’s good.”
Dan”SOMEBODY PUT BOTTLES UNDER MY TIRES! FUUUUUCKKKKKKK!”

I stop the car and Dan confirms the tire is, indeed, flat.

Kevin”Dude that had to be what happened. I couldn’t have fucking hit anything. I would have noticed.”
Dan”FUCK YOU!”
Kevin” FUCK YOU! YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT! YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE!”
Dan”I TRIED TO FUCK YOUR MOTHER BUT IT’S HARD TO KEEP ASHES WET!”(Yes, my mother is dead and was cremated. Seriously.)
Kevin”FUCK YOU! I’m calling my roommates.
Bitch-Boy 1″Dude, you guys are fucked up. We’re walking from here.”
Dan”FUCK YOU!”

They got out of the car and took off walking.

I call one of my roommates, Adam, tell him our location, and ask him to come pick us up. He arrived shortly, and took us back to my house where there are people partying. We get there, go inside, and I discover my other roommate, Ben, who will be referred to as ‘James’ for the rest of this recounting for reasons not to be named; a few people I do know, and a a few people I do not. People I don’t know when I’m drunk equals someone for me to guilt-freely harass, degrade, and barrage with insults, as well ridiculous demands. This is how I announced my arrival:

Kevin”GET NAKED BITCHES!”
Dan”WHORES!”

This really offended this one whore, whom I will talk about later. She proceeds to start freaking out on Dan, in true trailer trash whore fashion. She runs at him and starts pounding on his chest and screaming about how much she fucking hates him already. This bores me so I look for something to do to entertain myself.

I see some guy I don’t know sitting on the couch in our den. I approach him and initiate this conversation:

Kevin”Quit nursing that beer. Chug it right now, pussy.
Pansy”No way dude, I’m not doing it.”
Kevin”Motherfucker if you do not chug that beer right fucking now I am going to put my dick in your face until you do.”
Pansy”Chill out man. No.”

I yank down my pants and pose in Captain Morgan style with one leg on the arm of the couch, and lean forward so my penis was directly in his face. He chugs his beer. I am currently satisfied with this environment. I pull my pants up, and turn around, surveying my surrounding. I see another guy I don’t know eating a Nutty Bar, which with my unparalleled drunken logic abilities, I immediately deduced was my roommate James’. I yell:

Kevin”YOU SNEAKY SON OF A WHORE! YOU BETTER SARAN WRAP THAT MOTHERFUCKER AND PUT IT BACK IN THE BOX—NOW!”
Pansy2″Dude, what is your problem? Just calm down.”
Kevin”NO! I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS! NOW!”
Pansy2″You’re not that hardcore man.”
Kevin”MOTHERFUCKER! I WILL SHOW YOU HARDCORE!”

I walk to the refrigerator, and snatch this big container of James’ post-workout supplement, Anabolic Halo, off of the top of it. If you are not familiar with what Anabolic Halo is, it is described by their website as having: “75 cutting edge ingredients, 6 critical elements, and 3 cryogenic technologies that will synergistically force your freakiest gains ever.” Again, nobody should EVER, do what I did next.

I walk past Pansy2 and dumped out a pretty decent pile of this horrible creation onto the table in our living room, where 5 people were playing some drinking game. Dan grabs a handful out of powder out of the container, and prepares to throw it at some bitch playing the drinking game. I do not no what compelled me to do this, but I immediately snort all of what is in Dan’s hand, then start snorting the pile I had just dumped out on the table. I then proceeded to begin sequentially chugging the beers of the people sitting at the table. I was halfway through beer number 4 when I realized my head was about to explode. I reeled for a second before I began projectile vomiting all on the center of the table, cards and everything.

From what I’m told, the expression on my face remained calm. Kind of irrelevant I know, but I thought it was funny.

I regain my composure momentarily. Long enough at least to yell: “THAT’S HARDCORE! FUCK YOU!”

I then literally ran to the bathroom and proceeded to hug the toilet and completely empty everything in my stomach, while dry heaving in between trying to expel the rest of the Anabolic Halo from my membrane with repetitive nose blowing, the whore who had previously attacked Dan earlier in the night walks into my bathroom. I stand up and say:

I turn around and she just stands there and watches me piss. I finish she locks the door, snatches her pants down, and immediately begins pissing after telling me not to leave. I take a knee and extend the toilet paper to her, as the true gentleman that I obviously am. She finishes, stands up, pushes me against the wall, and begins violently making out with me.

It may or may not have been the single most erotic experience of my life. More than likely, not. Sadly enough, I did not manage to fuck this whore. But oh well, I always make up for missed opportunities.

That’s the last story worthy memory for that night. If you want more, comment.

Its not everyday you can look back and think… I was 5 minutes from being killed, found in a dumpster or found in a field somewhere but its happened to me. The scary part is its not a memory that I can forget or one that will ever go away. I may just be emotionally scarred for life.

It started out like any other Saturday except this one was different. I just got laid off and I had literally nothing to look forward to that day. When my wife woke me up shes like you need to do something fucking productive, I am sick of you sitting here sulking about how you have no job. Im like listen, I am trying you gotta give me a break, I have been job hunting ever since you made me move to Vegas and I just literally got laid off this week so lay the fuck off.

I went out and looked for jobs all afternoon form restaurant to restaurant and found nothing. Everyone had the same answer, “we are already cutting our staffs hours so theres no way we can bring on another worker”. I was used to it so its not like they offended me by any means. After I got home and still didn’t find a job I was greeted at the door by my loving wife. “Did you find a fucking job yet asshole?” Me “No why dont you just lay the fuck off and go finger blast yourself to death since we know I’m not getting tonight anyway!” I walked by her with disgust that we were still together and just stormed in the other room like a little girl. Fuck me, I tried its not like I was the one who wanted to move to Vegas to begin with. I left a perfectly good job working at Southwest Airlines.

When it came time for my whorish wife to work at Hooters, an extremely respectable job, I decided I would drive her. After dropping her off I decided I would go grab a few drinks. It started off as a regular night just having a few cocktails but I got hooked on the nickel slots. I won a little bit but just enough to keep the drinks coming. One after another they went down smooth. The cocktail waitresses suddenly were looking better and time seemed to have stopped. I was up about $40 in nickels which is like a billion fucking nickels by the way. In downtown Las Vegas, they still had slots where you could actually cash out in nickels and not tickets. It was sweet, but FUCK ME they got heavy. After I cashed out I guess I had way too many cocktails and fell right the fuck out of my chair. Nickels were everywhere, it was a madhouse. Guards were racing to try to keep these homeless fucks off my money but all hell broke loose. Some old hag snatched a few up and I screamed “Bitch give me back my rent you fuckin old mother fucker… ill beat your false teeth out!!!” The guards were trying to stop me from her and then this black dude was scooping them in his hat, I turned and tackled him and thats when it happened. A giant ass slot machine got nailed and tipped over…. NOW WERE FUCKED. The black dude was mother fucking me as I took some shots to his gut. I turned and the gramma was still stealing my change…. the guards were holding back the crowd trying to pull me off and then I just said fuck it and booked. I left all my nickels…. $40 …. DAMN ME… im super pissed. I have a knot on my head from head butting the slot machine. Cops are everywhere. They are scrambling like a madhouse but no one knows whats going on. I darted into another casino and ordered a drink. My heads hurting but I am wearing a hat so no one noticed. I slam my drink and order another. I cant figure out what happened, I am trying to replay the events but nothing is coming to mind. I kept thinking of how I wanted to pop granny in the face. This guy next to me kept mumbling shit and finally im like What the fuck are you saying dude. He looked and me and goes, “man i dont know what you did but your shirt has a giant ass hole in the back and ur bleeding a little bit. ” Im like thanks and ran off to the bathroom. By a little bit he meant I looked like i was sliced with a machetti. I tried to clean up the best I could and went and bought the first shirt I found. It was this pink shirt for women that said “Viva Las Vegas men!”

I was like holy shit what the fuck am I wearing when I saw myself in the mirror. Its ok though because I wasnt bleeding anymore. I had about $20 in my wallet at this point and knew I couldnt afford my tab. I folded up my other shirt and left it on the bar and asked the bartender if I could make a quick call. I got out there and my phone died at this point. So I pretended I was dialing and darted off like a fucking giselle. Jesus Christ this is one helluva high. I was running looking for my car and saw some guards chasing me. Now I am fucked- I lost my car. Where did I park…. fuck me?! Im so drunk, Im wearing a pink t-shirt and now I lost my car. I saw this hooker and she was trying to get guys to come home with her. She took one look at me and thought I was a dumb tourist. I started talking to her and asked her where her motel was. I told her I dont have a car but I would go if she got us a ride. The motel she was staying at was a few miles closer to the strip from downtown. I knew I lived in Henderson so I figured it would be a great idea to get closer. As I sat in the cab with her she asked me about my day. I told her I tried to beat up an old lady and some black guy robbed my $40 in nickels. She just laughed saying I had a rough night and she would take care of me. I thought I could pull a fast one on her and run off but it looked like she had back up close by.

When we got to her motel room I asked to use the bathroom. I had to figure out how to get the fuck out of here. I cant get caught with a hooker- I dont want to go to jail. I mean what the fuck am I really doing. I just used a hooker for a ride closer to my house. Im wasted and trying to think. Being a dumbass I tried to get out the bathroom window. I opened it and she heard a bang… and asked me if I was ok. I accidentally kicked the toilet seat lid off and it shattered. Fuck me … whats happening??!? I stepped back on it again and tried to squeeze out the window— FUCK… im stuck… my shirts ripping and I cant get all the way out. I kept trying to wiggle and then it happened….. SNAP!!! The fucking window screen I was trying to get out of snapped off and we both went tumbling out the window. I heard a HEY YOU OK?!?!?! and ya know what… I wasnt. I fell right on my head and my hands were stuck in the screen. I looked like I was wearing a hula hoop but only it was a fucking window!!! I managed to free myself and thats when I heard a bang… some dude kicked in the door and poked his head out of the bathroom window only to see me running like mad hell. Jesus, my hearts racing. I hear screeching tires and just kept running. I was hopping one fence after another, OMG i have no clue where I am… I am trying to use reference points. The lights are everywhere and Im super fucking lost.

I lost my wallet in the process but still had my car keys. I am certain I will find my car. I was trying to think where I parked it but it was to no avail. I was walking down the streets of downtown Las Vegas and homeless people were everywhere. I have no clue what time it is… my phones off, my wallets gone and my dignity is shot. I slowly made my way back to where I thought my car was and thats when i heard “Hey man, what you doing here” I was confused and had no answer. I really couldnt even tell him anything. He approached me hoping to rob me, took one look and said…. O you must be new to the streets. I just kinda mumbled , yeh- got an ass whooping today. He goes, just sit down man, take a drink of this, it will help. I sat there chilling with some homeless people chugging god knows what. I was super wasted and started telling them stories. I’d tell them one and they would come right back with a ….” AWW man you dont know nothing bout dees streets. My man Vinnie got stabbed over gum and he dont even have all his teef. Fuck it though…. hes ok and got tah stay fo free at da hospital.”

Finally after I sat up, I told them I had a car. There eyes lit up and were like, we thoughts you was homeless. I said, SHIT man, I will be after my wife finds out about tonight. I gave 3 of them a ride to the South Strip. I told them I really didnt have any money and lost my wallet and they said “no problem… lets get some fuckin booze- we gotta car tonight!” Here I am drinking with all these fucking homeless people getting mad fucked up in some alley in my car.

After about what seemed to be an eternity a cop pulled up on us. I was like shit were mad fucked. The cop pulled us all out of the car and asked us questions. He ran all their backgrounds and 2 out of the 3 had warrants and all of them were lying about everything. The cop comes up to me and straight up asks me whats going on
Me: Officer I…. I…
Cop: You are with 2 felons and a known crackhead and you have nothing to say, You are getting taken in.
Me: I SAID WAIT…. ok listen. I had a rough night.

I went through my night and told them everything that happened leaving out the parts where I would self incriminate myself. I told him the circumstances of whats going on and he just laughed about it saying my story was too insane to be fake. He ended up giving me a field sobriety test and if he didnt take the other 3 in, I am pretty sure he would’ve taken me too.

After they let me go I headed home and tried to forget everything that happened. I crawled into bed before my wife got home and cleaned myself up the best I could. In the morning I was woken by my wife and she goes “Hey I just got a call from the Golden Nugget Casino…. they said someone turned into your wallet. When were you there?!?!”

Haha… not sure how I explained that one but ya know what, I got my wallet back, I didnt go to jail, I had to have my car steam vacuumed and I only ended up spending $20 that night. Sure I lost $40 in nickels but my God, it was well worth it.